I’ve been noticing strange blue lights on the backs of certain traffic lights in town. What on earth does it mean? Is there some kind of homeland security thing going on here or is it just a good, old-fashioned attempt at mind control?
– Con Spiracy, via e-mail
Dear Con Job:
Uh oh. Now you’ve done it. Nobody was supposed to notice those little blue lights. But, since you HAD to point them out, I guess you have the right to know the truth. Yes, I would say they’re a form of mind control. Trouble is, those who put them there were assuming that most drivers in this area have a mind. Since Colorado plates are quickly becoming outnumbered by Texas, New Mexico and California plates, that assumption is sadly mistaken. Those drivers don’t appear to have minds capable of obeying red lights, using common courtesy or any of the other niceties most people use when behind the wheel. So the blue lights will be forced to have a new purpose. They are going to begin counting all the people that notice them, multiply that by the number of out of state drivers that run red lights or honk at pedestrians in the crosswalks, divide by the number of nice drivers who let others go first (and how to divide by less than one is beyond me) and every time they hit the magic number, another rude driver will be pulled over for no apparent reason and be forced to walk down Main Avenue wearing ill fitting shorts, Durango T-shirts, fanny packs and Crocs. They will also be eerily drawn o step into the middle of the street and take pictures of the Strater Hotel. For some reason, they’ll use the flash too, day or night. The flash is the sign to the blue-light-installers that their signal is being received. Then the rest of us will be able to recognize them for what they are and step to the opposite side of the street.
They say the underwire bra was invented by a man. Were bike shorts invented by a woman as a form of revenge? Sure, they’re great at protecting sensitive places, but they don’t do much to make the male “equipment” at ease and comfortable. What’s the deal?
– Saddle sore in Durango
Dear Sore in the Saddle:
Of course the underwire bra was invented by a man. Who else would put that form of torture on the female body? And for what purpose? To bring the object of most men’s desires front and center? Did a man invent the word perky? I believe so. However, if a woman had invented padded bike shorts, don’t you think the best form of revenge would have been to bring the “meat and potatoes” of the issue front and center? Ever heard of the phrase “lift and separate?” How would spandex bike shorts feel with a damn shelf in the middle? As far as making the male “equipment” comfortable, I don’t see where it’s anyone’s responsibility but yours. So, if chafing is the issue, do one of two things: bigger shorts, or a more padded seat, like the ones you see on the three-wheelers oasting around the senior citizen’s compounds. Either that, or you’ve got our shorts on backwards. I don’t know, and I don’t want to see.
How do free newspapers like theTelegraph make their money? What can average Joes of modest means do to support their favorite weekly rag?
– Curious George, via e-mail
Free newspapers make money? Where are you from? (see question #1) Since you seem to be the helpful sort, I would surmise that you can help out those Average Joes that stock the free newspapers. How? Every time you feel the urge to help yourself to one of those freebies, just toss a $20 dollar bill in the bin. The Joe who stocks and cleans it will thank you. He’ll also make sure to put a blue light on the boxes so he can keep track of when you pick up your papers. Better yet, send them to me, care of the Diver, and I’ll see they get distributed appropriately. I always fanciedmyself an average Joe…or Josephine.