Belgian waffles, 4 Corners style

Imagine your family sitting down for Saturday breakfast, longing for the production of a store-bought frozen Belgian waffle (similar to which you have actually tasted – in Belgium), only to find it is contaminated with pineapple and habañero. I know we should have checked the label. But should we have to?

This passes an important Rubicon crossing of culinarily undelightful food combinations. It needs to stop now, before the entire food supply is taken over by hot spices.

Not that I don’t like my share of hot spices. I love many Mexican, Chinese, Japanese and Thai dishes that effectively clear my sinuses. What I don’t love is sabotaging classic food dishes that have no earthly need for spice. For example, why put spice in a Caesar Salad? Why put hot chiles in wine? Oh, I know – so no one will ever drink it again.

And surely, I’m adaptable. My culinary tastes vary wildly. I consider myself a risky eater, willing to try almost anything exotic. I used to think hoppy IPAs were a ridiculous trend until the brewing got better, and I developed a taste for them. By “developed,” I mean I can now tolerate one IPA at a time. Sorry IPAs, Belgian beers are far superior.

I draw the line at eating the worm at the bottom of a mezcal bottle. I suppose I would be inebriated enough to eat a worm if I were at that same bottom in one sitting, which I guess is the point. I have purchased, but never eaten, a scorpion encased in a lollipop. 

Let’s take this continuing spice fad to the extreme. Our jumping off point is the escalation of burger, chicken and pizza joints all vying for a niche in the hot and spicy food realm. You now need to ask at the finest restaurant if your dish will be spicy, even for the presumably most bland of entrées. It’s out of control, starting with microscopically labelled spicy chips, then moving onto peanut butter, chocolate, gummies, ice cream, and a variety of snack mixes and condiments. Even honey and maple syrup have spicy varieties. Blah.

The food industry explains this is a trend spurred on by younger consumers and those who apparently spend way too much time scrolling TikTok.

So why stop there? Why not make spicy yogurt, milk or cottage cheese? I’m guessing the agriculture and food industry, “as a consumer convenience,” will find a way for chickens to lay spicy eggs. Why not spicy Gerber baby food and formula? Let’s go ahead and contaminate the entire food supply, including pet food. That’s sure to be a promising trend, until your pet passes it out the other end.

If you’d can’t stand your bland Belgian waffles, I suggest having a plate of pineapple and habañero on the side. Bon appétit.

– Dave Donley