Ask Rachel
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- Deathly Disney, bad dads and missed connections
- 05/13/2021
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Interesting fact: Anyone who thinks all Disney movies don’t share a universe has never been to Disneyland, where you can dine with Robin Hood and Cinderella at the SAME TIME.
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- Unnatural flavors, puzzling punctuation and bat bikes
- 05/06/2021
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Interesting fact: According to the FDA Code of Regulations, natural flavors are created from substances extracted from certain plant or animal sources. I don’t know about you, but just reading the word “extracted” makes me hungry.
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- Doggy style, in-box anxiety and rind etiquette
- 04/29/2021
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Interesting fact: “Jury-rigged” is a makeshift solution from materials at hand. “Jerry-built” is something constructed with shoddy materials. “Jerry-rigged” is an 18-wheeler driven by Jerome.
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- Parental timeshares, glue lies and bursting bubbles
- 04/22/2021
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Interesting fact: The short answer? Soaps are made of natural products, and detergents are synthetic. Also, detergents work better in cold water. Good for ice bucket bubble baths.
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- Dishing it out, hug withdrawal and getting boned
- 04/15/2021
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Interesting fact: In humid climates, bones can decompose in a decade or two. But in more dry areas, they can take hundreds of years. This is why we generally hide bodies in lakes.
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- Not OK boomer, short people & no vaccine for crazy
- 04/08/2021
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Interesting fact: Among the most misquoted internet celebrities, we find Winston Churchill, Ben Franklin, George Carlin and Yogi Berra. These, my friends, are our appeals to authority. #notallwhitemen
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- Unmasking Rachel, punctuation anarchy & unskilled labor
- 04/01/2021
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Interesting fact: This is the day you learn who Rachel really is. (Hint: she’s Rachel.)
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- Crimes against humani-tea, what about Bobcat & Hobbit holiday
- 03/25/2021
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Interesting fact: March 25 is indeed the date of Frodo’s jewelry return gone awry, but that equates to March 18 on the Gregorian calendar. You nerds are all a week late.
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- Baby got back, being neighborly and watered-down advice
- 03/18/2021
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Interesting fact: I always thought being in traction meant you had a full body cast. Turns out, it refers to the slings pulling on your arms and legs – and I can’t figure out how that works when it’s really just pulling on your full body cast.
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- Letters of retaliation, cult culture and anal homies
- 03/11/2021
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Interesting fact: Cult members often don’t realize they are in a cult. You could be in a cult right now. Can you prove you are not?
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- Sweet revenge, sticks & stones, and the big blow off
- 03/04/2021
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Interesting fact: I wanted an interesting fact about reality TV and learned that all such facts contain an irrefutable truth: there are no interesting facts about reality TV.
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- Too old to Tik Tok, suck-ulents and Mary mania
- 02/25/2021
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Interesting fact: Despite a 50 percent drop in sales from 1998-99, JNCO jeans still exist, at about 50 percent of the cost (and 50 percent of the leg width).
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- Pantry prejudice, genetic mutations & masked messages
- 02/18/2021
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Interesting fact: Quaker Oats invented the recipe-on-the-box and the prize-inside concepts. Maybe we should put them in charge of the masking initiative.
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- Dirty donuts, conservative streakers & not kidding
- 02/11/2021
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Interesting fact: The smell of black licorice is an aphrodisiac that increases the blood flow to the penis by 13 percent. When combined with the smell of donuts, however, that percentage jumped to 32.
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- Being too nosy, drunk junk and Reddit or not
- 02/04/2021
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Interesting fact: An alternate outcome for nose holes, since we don’t see them in public anymore, is that we eroticize them.
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- Antisocial media, poetic justice and not so great Gatsby
- 01/28/2021
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Interesting fact: I could replicate Moby Dick in this column word for word. It would take me nearly eight years. And the copyright lawyers couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
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- Palindroming, Gagauguration and getting lubed
- 01/21/2021
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Interesting fact: All the explanations for the phrase “sixes and sevens” don’t make any sense at all. Especially the one that attributes it to the numbers five and six.
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- Kamala the Grinch, dream weeper and Blowbert
- 01/14/2021
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Interesting fact: If revolutionary France, the Soviet Union and Nazis all failed to kill Christmas, it’s probably safe here too. I mean, we can’t even stage a proper coup.
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- Gift grift, gridiron grind and Soberuary
- 01/07/2021
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Interesting fact: COVID has helped porn stars seize the means of production, and now I’m wondering what the world of Marxist porn really looks like.
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- Tech takeover, New Lang Syne and getting over use
- 12/31/2020
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Interesting fact: The Germans say “Good slide/fall/skid in the New Year!” and that feels pretty apt.
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