Ask Rachel

Parental timeshares, glue lies and bursting bubbles
Parental timeshares, glue lies and bursting bubbles
04/22/2021

Interesting fact: The short answer? Soaps are made of natural products, and detergents are synthetic. Also, detergents work better in cold water. Good for ice bucket bubble baths.

 

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Dishing it out, hug withdrawal and getting boned
Dishing it out, hug withdrawal and getting boned
04/15/2021
Interesting fact: In humid climates, bones can decompose in a decade or two. But in more dry areas, they can take hundreds of years. This is why we generally hide bodies in lakes.
 
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Not OK boomer, short people & no vaccine for crazy
Not OK boomer, short people & no vaccine for crazy
04/08/2021
Interesting fact: Among the most misquoted internet celebrities, we find Winston Churchill, Ben Franklin, George Carlin and Yogi Berra. These, my friends, are our appeals to authority. #notallwhitemen
 
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Unmasking Rachel, punctuation anarchy & unskilled labor
Unmasking Rachel, punctuation anarchy & unskilled labor
04/01/2021

Interesting fact: This is the day you learn who Rachel really is. (Hint: she’s Rachel.)

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Crimes against humani-tea, what about Bobcat & Hobbit holiday
Crimes against humani-tea, what about Bobcat & Hobbit holiday
03/25/2021

Interesting fact: March 25 is indeed the date of Frodo’s jewelry return gone awry, but that equates to March 18 on the Gregorian calendar. You nerds are all a week late.

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Baby got back, being neighborly and watered-down advice
Baby got back, being neighborly and watered-down advice
03/18/2021

Interesting fact: I always thought being in traction meant you had a full body cast. Turns out, it refers to the slings pulling on your arms and legs – and I can’t figure out how that works when it’s really just pulling on your full body cast.

 

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Letters of retaliation, cult culture and anal homies
Letters of retaliation, cult culture and anal homies
03/11/2021

Interesting fact: Cult members often don’t realize they are in a cult. You could be in a cult right now. Can you prove you are not?

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Sweet revenge, sticks & stones, and the big blow off
Sweet revenge, sticks & stones, and the big blow off
03/04/2021

Interesting fact: I wanted an interesting fact about reality TV and learned that all such facts contain an irrefutable truth: there are no interesting facts about reality TV.

 

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Too old to Tik Tok, suck-ulents and Mary mania
Too old to Tik Tok, suck-ulents and Mary mania
02/25/2021
Interesting fact: Despite a 50 percent drop in sales from 1998-99, JNCO jeans still exist, at about 50 percent of the cost (and 50 percent of the leg width). 
 
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Pantry prejudice, genetic mutations & masked messages
Pantry prejudice, genetic mutations & masked messages
02/18/2021
Interesting fact: Quaker Oats invented the recipe-on-the-box and the prize-inside concepts. Maybe we should put them in charge of the masking initiative.
 
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Dirty donuts, conservative streakers & not kidding
Dirty donuts, conservative streakers & not kidding
02/11/2021

Interesting fact: The smell of black licorice is an aphrodisiac that increases the blood flow to the penis by 13 percent. When combined with the smell of donuts, however, that percentage jumped to 32.

 

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Being too nosy, drunk junk and Reddit or not
Being too nosy, drunk junk and Reddit or not
02/04/2021

Interesting fact: An alternate outcome for nose holes, since we don’t see them in public anymore, is that we eroticize them. 

 

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Antisocial media, poetic justice and not so great Gatsby
Antisocial media, poetic justice and not so great Gatsby
01/28/2021
Interesting fact: I could replicate Moby Dick in this column word for word. It would take me nearly eight years. And the copyright lawyers couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
 
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Palindroming, Gagauguration and getting lubed
Palindroming, Gagauguration and getting lubed
01/21/2021

Interesting fact: All the explanations for the phrase “sixes and sevens” don’t make any sense at all. Especially the one that attributes it to the numbers five and six.

 

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Kamala the Grinch, dream weeper and Blowbert
Kamala the Grinch, dream weeper and Blowbert
01/14/2021

Interesting fact: If revolutionary France, the Soviet Union and Nazis all failed to kill Christmas, it’s probably safe here too. I mean, we can’t even stage a proper coup.

 

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Gift grift, gridiron grind and Soberuary
Gift grift, gridiron grind and Soberuary
01/07/2021
Interesting fact: COVID has helped porn stars seize the means of production, and now I’m wondering what the world of Marxist porn really looks like. 
 
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Tech takeover, New Lang Syne and getting over use
Tech takeover, New Lang Syne and getting over use
12/31/2020
Interesting fact: The Germans say “Good slide/fall/skid in the New Year!” and that feels pretty apt.
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Doctored up, running dry and Chexing out
Doctored up, running dry and Chexing out
12/17/2020

Interesting fact: The Latin “doctor” means teacher. Guess my poli-sci prof has more right to the term than my OB/GYN does.

 

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Adhering to guidelines, Bob sells out and Advent-ageous
Adhering to guidelines, Bob sells out and Advent-ageous
12/10/2020

Interesting fact: Approximately 1.3 billion Christmas cards are sent every year, so at least 6.5 billion other people also receive none of them. 

 

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Disney fetish, WikiFreaks and stoner fights
Disney fetish, WikiFreaks and stoner fights
12/03/2020
Interesting fact: Schediaphilia is the term for sexual or romantic attraction to a cartoon character. No reason.
 
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