Ask Rachel

Covering our holes, legalese and shed storm
Covering our holes, legalese and shed storm
02/01/2024
Interesting fact: When your dog sheds in the dead of winter, it’s possible they’re actually just now shedding their summer coat to make room for ever-more incoming winter coat. Or, they done messed up without even consulting the groundhog. 
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Little bottles, massages and Joe wears panty hose
Little bottles, massages and Joe wears panty hose
01/25/2024

Interesting fact: Taupe originally referred not to a wide range of dark gray-brown shades but to the specific color of the average French mole. Because (French accent) of course.

 

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Phone ADHD, kicking back and gotcha day
Phone ADHD, kicking back and gotcha day
01/11/2024
Interesting fact: “Gotcha Day” is so established, it has its own Wikipedia page, which states that some adoptees find the term offensive. And this is how Rachel slowly realized people actually use this term for people adoptions, not just for pets.
 
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Black sheep, un-decoration day and being like Babs
01/04/2024

Interesting fact: The First Night of Christmas is sundown on Dec. 25, meaning the 26th is actually the First Day of Christmas, and therefore Mariah Carey is technically legal until Twelfth Day, Jan. 6.

 

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Rings around the rosie and spelling divorce
Rings around the rosie and spelling divorce
12/28/2023
Interesting fact: Auld lang syne is Scots for “old long since,” or basically, “long long ago.” I’m holding out for Scots-language “Star Wars,” in a galaxy far, far awyne.
 
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Strip mining, out of fashion and singled out
Strip mining, out of fashion and singled out
12/21/2023

Interesting fact: Chex Mix was the creation of the Ralston Purina Co. Chow down, puppy dogs. (But of course, it was reportedly first popularized by the wife of an executive, once again shelving the accomplishments of a woman and a goddamn American hero.)

 

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Don't nog it till you try it, rain checks and all a-bored
Don't nog it till you try it, rain checks and all a-bored
12/14/2023

Interesting fact: If the dictionary is to be believed, nog is a strong ale that used to be brewed in parts of England. So strong, I bet it went straight to your noggin.

 
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Death chariot, buying happiness and missing the point
Death chariot, buying happiness and missing the point
12/07/2023
Interesting fact: “Last Christmas,” released in 1984, didn’t hit #1 in the U.K. until 2021. And it didn’t chart at all in the U.S. until 2016. Wham!
 
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Too much of a good thing and holiday drop-out
Too much of a good thing and holiday drop-out
11/30/2023

Interesting fact: The Mayo Clinic says that four cups of coffee a day seems to be a healthy limit for most adults. They have yet to reply to my inquiries on Christmas overdosing.

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Ex-holiday traditions, dream therapy and role reversal
Ex-holiday traditions, dream therapy and role reversal
11/23/2023

Interesting fact: Carrie Fisher claimed that she played the Star Wars Holiday Special at parties when she wanted people to leave. Thanksgiving pro tip.

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Doggie downer, udder disgrace and getting tipsy
Doggie downer, udder disgrace and getting tipsy
11/16/2023

Interesting fact: Whole cow’s milk contains about 87% water. Human bodies are about 55-60% water. So we actually dilute ourselves when we drink milk.

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Getting canned, bad meat and woke lattes
Getting canned, bad meat and woke lattes
11/09/2023

Interesting fact: Some people say the water quality in NYC is why all steamed food tastes so good there. I call bologna. 

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Speed humps, puppy love and starting slow
Speed humps, puppy love and starting slow
11/02/2023

Interesting fact: Matthew Perry was the only one of the “Friends” never to be nominated for a Razzie Award. He truly was the best of us. Godspeed, Chandler Bing. 

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Tense tenses, super scooper and mapped out
Tense tenses, super scooper and mapped out
10/26/2023

Interesting fact: G.I. originally stood for “galvanized iron” and was stamped on products made of such. It later came to mean all kinds of things, but please join me in eating ice cream so we can complain about our galvanized iron tracts. 

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High-fructose fun, rat race and just say no
High-fructose fun, rat race and just say no
10/19/2023

Interesting fact: “Pied” means simply “having two or more colors.” Makes me wonder why this attribute was relevant to the famous piper.

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Uber virgin, tickled pink and the brush off
Uber virgin, tickled pink and the brush off
10/12/2023

Interesting fact: Turns out, you actually have to brush your dentures. You also have to clean the grooves where you use adhesives. Especially if you set your dentures down in dog hair. 

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Back from time-out, rhyme with no reason & email guilt
Back from time-out, rhyme with no reason & email guilt
10/05/2023

Interesting fact: Email predates the World Wide Web. The first email was sent in 1965, or maybe 1971. Either way, it’s still sitting unread in my inbox.

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Barbie bubble, Boebert's big night & dad issues
Barbie bubble, Boebert's big night & dad issues
09/28/2023

Interesting fact: Rachel has been put on administrative suspension pending review of the numerous calls (hey, one is a number) for her swift and immediate removal, because she said something someone didn’t like, so we’re asking Phoebe to step in until Rachel is released from time-out. 

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Costume conundrum, cart justice & the mother lode
Costume conundrum, cart justice & the mother lode
09/21/2023

Interesting fact: There’s a whole “shopping cart theory” proposing that a person’s moral character is revealed by what they do with their cart in the parking lot. I propose that it’s better revealed by what questions they submit under obviously fake names to a newspaper columnist.

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Drinking the Kool-Aid, squeaky clean & bad batch
Drinking the Kool-Aid, squeaky clean & bad batch
09/14/2023

Interesting fact: Oils and dirt still build up on a bald scalp, so you should still use a dollop of shampoo on that light bulb. 

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