Ask Rachel

Interesting fact: In Japan, earwigs are called “Chinpo-Basami” or “Chinpo-Kiri,” which translates to “penis cutter.” On second thought, they can stay in my garden.

Interesting fact: We all know what “deaf,” “blind” and “mute” mean, but is there a word for people who can’t smell? Of course there is. It’s “anosmic.” But if you read up on it, you’ll hypochondriac yourself into having chronic meningitis and neurosyphilis. 

Interesting fact: The Supreme Court says it’s not a violation of constitutional rights to fly a drone at low altitude. But they still won’t allow my drone into the Great Hall.

Interesting fact: The bindel, aka a hobo’s blaket-stick, may hail from the German/ Yiddish word Bu?ndel. I point this out so that the newspaper’s typesetter has to scramble for an umlaut before press time.

Interesting fact: David Attenborough has 42 writer credits and 196 credits for appear- ing as “self,” but not a single one of them tells me what CAFO means. 

Interesting fact: The practice of citizen’s arrest dates back to medieval England, when sheriffs encouraged ordinary citizens to apprehend criminals. How’s that for hanging onto outdated imperialist dogma that perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society?

Interesting fact: There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin. But I discuss them anyway.

Interesting fact: Sarah Catherine Martin, who published the first known “Old Mother Hubbard” in 1805, reportedly based the character on the housekeeper of her sister, a Mrs. Pollexfen Bastard, which is actually a real name.

Interesting fact: Vuvuzelas, now plastic, used to be made out of tin. But the tin ones were banned from soccer stadiums because they were dangerous weapons. Watch out, cowbells.

Interesting fact: The United States has 318 million people, and 328 million active cell phones. Yet you never return my calls.

Interesting fact: The Association of Mature American Citizens reports that a study conducted by Dr. Johan Lundstrom, at Philadelphia’s Monell Chemical Senses Center, found that the older you are the better you smell. (Here’s looking at you, MILF Hunter.)

Interesting fact: An easy way to beat box and impress your friends is by saying “boots and cats” over and over again. Try it. 

Interesting fact: There is pretty much no product that has not been emblazoned with Hello Kitty. Think about it.

Interesting fact: Mortarboards aren’t just for graduation they used to be worn by schoolteachers, until the mid-20th century. Because mortarboards don’t look at all silly, they certainly commanded respect from all those little twerps.

Interesting fact: Most graffiti laws are local, but a federal law prohibits railroad vandalism. If there were such a law against cartoonish penises, D.C. would look WAY different today.

Interesting fact: I tried to find out why we smoke cigars at weddings and other celebrations. But for the first time since I got bored with porn, the internet let me down.

Interesting fact: Many Mexican beers are in fact Austrian, dating to 19th century styles when Mexico was briefly headed by the Habsburg clan. Prost!

Interesting fact: I can’t be doing so badly, because I’m Rachel and you’re not.