Ask Rachel

Baby got back, being neighborly and watered-down advice
Baby got back, being neighborly and watered-down advice
03/18/2021

Interesting fact: I always thought being in traction meant you had a full body cast. Turns out, it refers to the slings pulling on your arms and legs – and I can’t figure out how that works when it’s really just pulling on your full body cast.

 

Read More
Letters of retaliation, cult culture and anal homies
Letters of retaliation, cult culture and anal homies
03/11/2021

Interesting fact: Cult members often don’t realize they are in a cult. You could be in a cult right now. Can you prove you are not?

Read More
Sweet revenge, sticks & stones, and the big blow off
Sweet revenge, sticks & stones, and the big blow off
03/04/2021

Interesting fact: I wanted an interesting fact about reality TV and learned that all such facts contain an irrefutable truth: there are no interesting facts about reality TV.

 

Read More
Too old to Tik Tok, suck-ulents and Mary mania
Too old to Tik Tok, suck-ulents and Mary mania
02/25/2021
Interesting fact: Despite a 50 percent drop in sales from 1998-99, JNCO jeans still exist, at about 50 percent of the cost (and 50 percent of the leg width). 
 
Read More
Pantry prejudice, genetic mutations & masked messages
Pantry prejudice, genetic mutations & masked messages
02/18/2021
Interesting fact: Quaker Oats invented the recipe-on-the-box and the prize-inside concepts. Maybe we should put them in charge of the masking initiative.
 
Read More
Dirty donuts, conservative streakers & not kidding
Dirty donuts, conservative streakers & not kidding
02/11/2021

Interesting fact: The smell of black licorice is an aphrodisiac that increases the blood flow to the penis by 13 percent. When combined with the smell of donuts, however, that percentage jumped to 32.

 

Read More
Being too nosy, drunk junk and Reddit or not
Being too nosy, drunk junk and Reddit or not
02/04/2021

Interesting fact: An alternate outcome for nose holes, since we don’t see them in public anymore, is that we eroticize them. 

 

Read More
Antisocial media, poetic justice and not so great Gatsby
Antisocial media, poetic justice and not so great Gatsby
01/28/2021
Interesting fact: I could replicate Moby Dick in this column word for word. It would take me nearly eight years. And the copyright lawyers couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
 
Read More
Palindroming, Gagauguration and getting lubed
Palindroming, Gagauguration and getting lubed
01/21/2021

Interesting fact: All the explanations for the phrase “sixes and sevens” don’t make any sense at all. Especially the one that attributes it to the numbers five and six.

 

Read More
Kamala the Grinch, dream weeper and Blowbert
Kamala the Grinch, dream weeper and Blowbert
01/14/2021

Interesting fact: If revolutionary France, the Soviet Union and Nazis all failed to kill Christmas, it’s probably safe here too. I mean, we can’t even stage a proper coup.

 

Read More
Gift grift, gridiron grind and Soberuary
Gift grift, gridiron grind and Soberuary
01/07/2021
Interesting fact: COVID has helped porn stars seize the means of production, and now I’m wondering what the world of Marxist porn really looks like. 
 
Read More
Tech takeover, New Lang Syne and getting over use
Tech takeover, New Lang Syne and getting over use
12/31/2020
Interesting fact: The Germans say “Good slide/fall/skid in the New Year!” and that feels pretty apt.
Read More
Doctored up, running dry and Chexing out
Doctored up, running dry and Chexing out
12/17/2020

Interesting fact: The Latin “doctor” means teacher. Guess my poli-sci prof has more right to the term than my OB/GYN does.

 

Read More
Adhering to guidelines, Bob sells out and Advent-ageous
Adhering to guidelines, Bob sells out and Advent-ageous
12/10/2020

Interesting fact: Approximately 1.3 billion Christmas cards are sent every year, so at least 6.5 billion other people also receive none of them. 

 

Read More
Disney fetish, WikiFreaks and stoner fights
Disney fetish, WikiFreaks and stoner fights
12/03/2020
Interesting fact: Schediaphilia is the term for sexual or romantic attraction to a cartoon character. No reason.
 
Read More
Dog eat dog, stinktown & coming out of the vegan closet
Dog eat dog, stinktown & coming out of the vegan closet
11/19/2020

Interesting fact: I have edited this week’s questions to read as answers, as my own little overdue tribute to the calming voice of my childhood. 

Read More
Spacing out, social flypaper and being a tool
Spacing out, social flypaper and being a tool
11/12/2020

Interesting fact: New data from NASA suggests there may be 300 million habitable planets. The article was behind a paywall, so that’s all I know. 

 

Read More
Road rage, Amazonians and fuzzy handcuffs
Road rage, Amazonians and fuzzy handcuffs
11/05/2020
Interesting fact: Bobby pins really are the best way to break free from handcuffs. Gents, if you think you pissed off your wife, you may want to start accessorizing.
 
Read More
Poll dancing, against the wind and getting canned
Poll dancing, against the wind and getting canned
10/29/2020

Interesting fact: Now, amidst our current zeitgeist, I feel I understand @nihilist_arbys on a truly cellular level. This is my salute. Not that it matters.

 

Read More
Doggy style, oral armements and Millennial murder
Doggy style, oral armements and Millennial murder
10/22/2020
Interesting fact: This won’t be the first year “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” won’t air on network TV. In fact, it also was not broadcast for thousands – millions! – of years before the invention of TV.
Read More