Man boobs, walking the dog & city slickers

Dear Rachel,

I’m a single man getting targeted by Facebook ads for milk-pumping bras. The models, naturally, appear to be breastfeeding women. These algorithms are increasingly intelligent. So I’m worried what the AI knows about me that I haven’t learned yet. Am I about to give a virgin birth? Turn to alternative milk products? Reenact the final scene in The Grapes of Wrath? And it’s no blip – the ads have shown up every day since we’ve been socially isolated.

– Mama’s Milk

Dear Suckling Pig,

Oooooooh! Someone’s got dirty, dirty skeletons in his closet! Don’t tell me. It’s lactating porn, isn’t it? It’s lactating porn. You searched once for lactating porn, and the algorithms got you only slightly confused with a mother-soon-to-be. Congratulations on whatever happens next! Most of us will emerge from these times with neck beards and pasty skin. You’ll have the souvenir to outshine them all.

– Soup’s on, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My fitness smartwatch counts my steps throughout the day. Or it tries to. I recently figured out that I get step-credit not just when I walk the dog, but when I “walk the dog.” Sometimes it’s a couple thousand bonus steps. Sometimes it’s just 50 or 75. Either way, am I cheating on my step count? Or does “walking the dog” count as aerobic exercise, without leaving my bedroom?

– Giving the Dog a Bone

Dear Hound Dog,

I would have gone with “pounding the pavement” or “my evening constitutional” as the euphemism, but then again, I like to leave animals out of it. To each their own. So long as you actually do leave the dog out of it. As for your steps: I have the opposite problem. Half my fitness comes from grocery shopping. And with my hand on the cart, my arm doesn’t move so my steps don’t count. So maybe it all comes out in the wash. (You do wash your sheets afterward, right?)

– One foot in front of the other, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I thought I’d take advantage of the coronavirus to finally realize my dream of homesteading. Become self-sufficient. You know, grow my own food, harvest rainwater for my outdoor showers, compost my own poo. But it turns out it’s really hard to do all that while living in the city, especially when you lack motivation. Any advice for getting started in ways that will stick?

- Mediocre Homes & Gardens

Dear Laura Ingalls Tamer,

Surviving a global pandemic is traumatic, even if you haven’t decided to find out what Tiger King is all about. It’s OK not to be magazine-perfect throughout the process. But if you truly want to change your life, start small. Pick one thing and run with it. Like, try planting just carrots and really throw yourself into it. Or, start jarring and preserving your own breast milk. There’s a bra for that.

– Onward ho, Rachel