Return of The Far Side, self flattery and little rED Corvettes

Dear Rachel,

I’m the last person apparently to find out that “The Far Side” comic is coming back. I can’t ac- tually find proof of new comic panels any- where... but who cares, I’m just happy to hear Gary Larson is back at it. But 20 years ago, I in- vested in The Complete Far Side books, but now they are incomplete. Do you think I’ll get slide- in filler pages to complete my set? Maybe a new volume after a while?

– Far Sighted

Dear Near Missed,

I too used to want a physical copy of everything. I had all the Buffy DVDs and the Harry Potter books (in hardcover, naturally) and the owners manual to what- ever used jalopy I dragged around at the time. But I gave in to the digital world. I can find a version of literally* anything I want on the internet. Be like me. Read the comic on the web. Or, wait for someone older to print it off, cut it out, and mail it to you. (*Except the Star Wars Holiday Special. They’re militant about taking that down.)

– Moo, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I haven’t updated my driver’s license since moving here. And I’ve been here a while now. Long enough to start writing the advice colum- nist in the best paper around. I could blame the pandemic for my procrastination. But that’s a lie. The truth is, I have years left on my out-of- state license and it seems pointless to pay for a new one. Can you give me any good reason to trade in my old colors for shiny new CO ones?

– License to Stall

Dear Border Jumper,

Take note, everybody. This is how you get a letter printed in the best paper around. Flattery: the more shameless the better. Butter me up, baby. Unless you’re pervy, like that guy who I’m pretty sure whacks it to my avatar. Why wouldn’t you want to belong to the same state as this newspaper? With a Colorado license, bar- tenders know exactly where your birthdate is printed, thus getting you your delicious beer several seconds faster.

– Bottoms up (no, not *that* bottom, perv), Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What is it with, shall we say, older men and brand new Corvettes? I feel like I’ve seen an un- usually high number of them lately. Was there a special senior citizens discount? Were these cars actually cool at one time? Are they filming a “Nugenix” or “Cialis” commercial nearby?

- Stuck in Neutral

Dear Spinning Gears,

Corvettes make cool Hot Wheels. They make lousy cars. I mean, some guy somewhere at some time got laid, and he also happened to drive a Corvette. So using the advanced mental acuity most men are known for when they’re thinking with their Chevys, they think they’ll get somewhere fast by driving an overpriced and unreliable ED pill. They should try their hand at art instead. I bet Gary Larson got more panties in the mail than any of them.

– Vroom va voom, Rachel