How to Marie Kondo Like a Local
A local's guide to spring cleaning

How to Marie Kondo Like a Local
Jennaye Derge - 03/25/2019

I was slow on hearing about this Marie Kondo person. It was about a month or so ago when I first heard her name on an episode of NPR’s Wait Wait... Don’t Tell Me (where I get most of my political and pop culture news), and

I’m already sick of hearing about her. She’s truly going out on a limb by telling me that the only things holding me back from true happiness are the pile of rarely worn clothes sitting in my closet and the box of yarn I’ll never use to knit.

But Marie Kondo has been telling people to get rid of their old junk in order to “spark joy” for a long time now. The author of the bestselling book The Life- Changing Magic of Tidying Up has somehow squeezed her way into our homes and made what we were already calling “spring cleaning” into a physiological phenomenon—and for that, I suppose, she is our hero.

Whether you want to call it “sparking joy,” “spring cleaning,” or just checking off boxes on the honey-do list, it is now officially the time of year to start dusting off the cobwebs, clearing out your closet, and asking that old desk lamp if it brings you joy.

How to Marie Kondo like a Local:

First, walk into your chosen room, close your eyes, breathe in deep, open your eyes, and take a look around. Panic. Allow your heart to race from the sheer overwhelm of clutter. Stop. Turn around and leave your house immediately. Go to your local liquor store and get a bottle of your choice.
Local recommendations: River Liquor, Star Liquors, Wagon Wheel, or a growler from Carvers

Next, go back to the room, take another deep breath, walk toward an object, and pick it up. Stare at it for longer than you should ever stare at an object and ask yourself (silently, otherwise, you’re that crazy person speaking out loud to an inanimate object) if it brings you joy. If it barks, meows, or licks your face, set it down. It is your pet, and even though it ate your gloves yesterday, it does bring you joy.
Local recommendations for an “I’m sorry for questioning your joy- giving-ness” pet toy or treat: Healthy Hounds and Fat Cats, Pet Haus, or an adjustment at Durango Animal Chiropractor

Then, sort your objects into piles of “yes, this brings me joy” and “no, this does not bring me joy” and stare at the two piles for a while, whilst changing your mind and shuffling objects between piles a dozen times. Give up, take a break, and go get something to eat.
Local recommendations: a cocktail at Cantera, a beer at Brew, another cocktail at Derailed Pour House, another beer at Ska, ice cream at Cream Bean Berry

Next, wobble back into your room and be that go-getter you’ve always wanted to be! You CAN make decisions! You aren’t tied to things! You got this! We believe in you!! Package up your items to take to the thrift store and then go to bed—you’ve had a few drinks. It’s been a big day; good work, Sport. Let’s try again tomorrow.
Local recommendations before bed: pizza from Fired Up or Homeslice, or both

Then, when you wake up in the morning, take all the objects that don’t bring you any joy and take them to a thrift store or consignment shop. Remember that you don’t hate these objects, they just don’t bring you joy, so refrain from throwing them down with rage and yelling at anyone.Local recommendations (for your hangover): breakfast burrito at Backcountry Gourmet, coffee at Singletrack Coffee, a soak at salt 360, a massage at the Spaaah Shop, a session at Thrive Chiropractic, or go straight to Rivergate Pharmacy
Local recommendations for thrift stores/consignment shops: La Plata County Humane Society, {re}Love, Reruns, Second Time Around

Finally, before leaving the thrift and/or consignment store, close your eyes, breathe in deep, open your eyes, and take a look around. Start shopping. Spend the next hour or so running around trying on clothes and looking at objects. They all bring you joy, so purchase everything.
Local recommendations for self-help books: Maria’s Bookshop, Y.E.S.S. The Book Hutch