How (not to) COVID-president

How (not to) COVID-president
Shan Wells - 08/13/2020

Trump is a sort of nightmare for satirists.

Usually, satire is about taking the target’s behavior and making it absurd enough to show the danger of the original position. But trump runs ahead of that. He’s literally self-satirizing. I mean, what can you do with a guy who actively promotes a “doctor” that believes in demon sex and alien DNA?

Comedian Sarah Cooper has had the best response. She simply makes videos lip-synching the man’s own words in his own voice back to us. His insanity is made manifestly obvious. If you haven’t seen one, avail yourself. She is brilliant.

So, in tribute to her brilliance, I’m simply going to list Trump’s actions since the pandemic began. It is a factual history of his response, mixed with key events. Each entry is accurate. They are not taken out of context. In fact, the context of each quote or action is even worse than the necessary shorthand such a list requires. Trumps’ quotations are either direct statements, official announcements, policy positions, retweets or tweets ... all communication from someone who purports to be the President of the United States.  

I encourage you to research these and ponder what it means to have fallen so low in our expectations. Perhaps the best thing you could do with this list is show it to someone who is considering voting for Trump. Here’s some questions for that person: even if you feel like 96 percent of this list is wrong, is not the remaining 4 percent enough to kick the man out of office? Two percent? One percent? How low is the bar?

Please stay safe, keep on masking, and vote for an end to our national nightmare in November. We satirists would like our jobs back, too.
Jan. 3: Trump briefed on Coronavirus.
Jan. 4: Golf.
Jan. 5: Golf.
Jan. 9: Rally.
Jan. 14: Rally.
Jan. 18: Golf.
Jan. 19: Golf.
Jan. 21: Trump: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China.”
Jan. 23: W.H.O.: “We are declaring a world health emergency.”
Jan. 28: Rally.
Jan. 30: Rally.
Jan. 30: H.H.S. Secretary Azar: “It’s going to be a pandemic.” Trump: “You’re an alarmist.”
Jan. 31: Trump enacts “China travel ban.” 40,000 people enter the U.S. from China anyway between Jan. and April.
Feb. 1: Golf.
Feb. 2: Golf.
Feb. 10: Rally.
Feb. 15: Golf.
Feb. 17: Fundraiser.
Feb. 17: White House public health advisors: “We need to go to lockdown.” Trump: “Nah.”
Feb. 18: Fundraiser.
Feb. 19: Rally.
Feb. 20: Rally.
Feb. 21: Rally.
Feb. 24: Trump: “The virus is under control, totally.”
Feb. 26: Trump: “15 cases in a couple of days is gonna be down to close to zero.”
Feb. 28: Trump: “Coronavirus. This is the Dem’s ‘new hoax’... You’ll be fine.”
Feb. 29: Trump: “China is making tremendous progress.”
March 1: 1 dead.
March 2 Rally.
March 7: Golf.
March 8: Golf.
March 11: 28 dead.
March 12: Trump: “It’s gonna go away.”
March 13: Trump: “No, I don’t take responsibility at all.”
March 16: Trump: “I give myself a 10 out of 10.”
March 17: 110 dead.
March 19: Trump: “We’re not a shipping clerk. States are on their own”
March 24: 791 dead.
March 27: Trump: “We have done a job the likes of which nobody’s seen.”
March 30: 2,509 dead.
March 31: Trump: “Buy MyPillow™.”
April 1: Trump: “We inherited broken tests from Obama.” (The tests referenced were nonexistent, as the virus was unknown previous to 2019.)
April 2: Kushner: “Masks and PPE gear are for us, not the states.”
April 3: Trump: “I choose not to wear a mask.”
April 5: Trump: “Malaria pills might work. Let’s try that.”
April 7: 10,989 dead.
April 10: Trump: “The germ has gotten so brilliant that the antibiotic can’t keep up.”
April 13: Trump: “Everything we did was right. I have total authority.”
April 14: 23,649 dead.
April 16: Trump: “The states have total authority. They call their own shots.”
April 18: Trump: “We could see 60-65k dead. But that’s better than 100-240k.”
April 23: Trump: “Injecting disinfectant might work.”
April 24: 49,963 dead.
April 28: Pence: “I didn’t wear a mask because I wanted to look workers in the eye.”
April 30: Trump: “Blame China, not me!”
May 2: 65,068 dead.
May 4: Trump: “We could see 100k dead. But it’s safe to reopen.
May 05: Trump: “The task force will close very soon.”
May 6: Trump: “The task force will stay open indefinitely.”
May 7: 74,586 dead.
May 7: CDC reopening guidelines shelved, unseen.
May 8: Unemployment hits 14.7 percent, highest since 1940.
May 9: Trump: “The virus will disappear magically without a vaccine. Doctors say.”
May 10: 30 states partially re-open; 18 have increasing daily case rates.
May 11: Two White House staff members infected.
May 13: Trump: “We rank near the bottom in per capita deaths.” (Reality: the United States ranked ninth highest.)
May 14: Trump: “Blame Obama, not me!”
May 15: 85,000 dead.
May 17: Trump: “If we didn’t do any testing, we wouldn’t have any new cases.”
May 18: Trump: “I’m taking malaria pills because lots of people called to tell me they work. That’s my evidence.”
May 19: Trump: “I tested perfectly. Positively towards the negative.”
May 22: 94,000 dead.
May 23: Golf.
May 24: Golf.
May 25: Trump: “When you say ‘per capita,’ there’s many per capitas. It’s like, per capita relative to what?”
May 26: Imperial College London estimates 24 states have uncontrolled spread.
May 27: Trump: “Masks represent slavery, silence and death.”
May 28: Trump: “The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat.”
May 30: 102,000 dead.
June 12: Golf.
June 13: Golf.
June 14: Golf.
June 16: Pence: “There is no coronavirus second wave.” One month later, cases tripled into a second wave.
June 20: Rally. No masks required.
June 23: Rally. No masks required.
June 24: Dozens of Secret Service officers ordered quarantined after two test positive.
June 24: Eight White House staffers test positive for virus.  
June 29: Cases jump 80 percent nationwide, eclipsing April infection rates.
June 28: Several states revert to partial shutdown.
June 30: Anthony Fauci: “We could easily see 100,000 infections a day soon.”
July 1: Trump: “It will disappear at some point.”
July 2: 125,000 dead.
July 4: Trump: “99 percent of cases in the US are totally harmless.” His own FDA Chief refuses to back him up.
July 8: 62,751 new infections in one day.
July 10: Trump: “All schools must open 100 percent in fall.”
July 11: Trump wears a mask publicly for first time.
July 12: 132,000 dead.
July 13: Fauci sidelined by Trump administration.
July 14: Trump: “Buy GOYA™ beans.”
July 15: CDC is stripped of record-keeping responsibilities, gutting transparency.
July 17: U.S. cases spike to 76,000 a day.
July 18: Golf.
July 19: Golf.
July 23: U.S. hits 4 million total cases, deaths spike to late May levels.
July 24: Trump: “Man, woman, person, camera, tv. I aced my cognitive test.”
July 25: GOP convention in Jacksonville, Fla., cancelled due to viral spread.
July 25: Golf.
July 26: Golf.
July 28: 145,670 dead
July 29: Trump: “It’s unsafe to vote. Let’s delay the election?”
July 30: Trump: “Doctor that believes in demon dream sperm & alien DNA is impressive.”
July 31: Herman Cain, 2012 GOP presidential candidate and anti-mask Trump acolyte, dies of coronavirus.
Aug. 01: 150,000 Americans dead. Daily death rate spikes to more than 1,000.
Aug. 1: Golf.
Aug. 2: Golf.
– Shan Wells