This Week's Sign of the Downfall

Red Bull-shit

Launched in 2025, Agape Energy was the first Christian energy drink, but since then, other brands like Praise Energy, Yahweh and 4GVN have risen up to help make 2026 as cringe as possible. True, most brands focus on zero-sugar formulas with natural ingredients, and the cans are covered in scripture for extra holiness, but I doubt Jesus would be OK with the 200mg of caffeine per serving. And there’s no way he’d approve of the boring flavor names – like Preachin’ Peach, Revival Razz or Gospel Gummy – because they could’ve been way wittier. Jesus deserves flavors like Apple-ocalypse, Cross to Berry, and He is Raisin, because after all, he’s the one true pun of God.