Boebert's Cat-astrophe

You might have checked the news recently and seen U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert’s bogus claims that “they are putting litter boxes in schools for people who identify as cats” and thought to yourself, you gotta be kitten me! But before you start getting too upset about the state of American democracy, let me propose an idea: Boebert and her fellow conspiracy theorist lunatics are secretly geniuses.

Wait, wait! Hear me out! These unhinged people have presented us with the perfect loophole to escape the claws of conservative extremism: become a cat.

Cats aren’t shackled to rules and laws and elections that result in your very own body becoming regulated by QAnon disciples. Hell, cats don’t even abide by the laws of physics. Have you ever tried to tell a cat what to do? Good luck with that.

Perhaps you’re wondering how I intend to become a cat, aside from just using a litter box in public schools, of course. You might even be thinking of ways to steal it for your own personal benefit.

The answer is simple. It all starts with getting one of those fur suits Boebert’s all up in literal arms over. But I’m not talking about the cutesy fur suits that will make me look like I’ve leapt out of an anime. I’m talking ultra-realistic, borderline disturbing fur suits; I’m talking Taylor-Swift-in-Cats-the-Movie-level fur suit.

Phase Two: I start training to run on all fours like that one guy on TikTok. After mastering this skill, I’ll prowl gently and pitifully up to the back door of some unsuspecting schmuck who is OK with being dominated by a nine-pound animal, pretending that I’m a scraggly yet loveable stray just looking for my furever home. Perhaps I could be blessed with a new, unique name like Tigger? Figaro? Tom?

What’s Phase Three, you ask? Well, from here on out, I settle into my new life, free to come and go as I please, because stray cats like me have more autonomy than you weak, pathetic humans. Especially the ones who can get pregnant.

In fact, last week, I did a little Googling while I still had opposable thumbs. Did you know that abortion is now completely banned in at least 13 states? But do you also know where cats can legally get abortions in the U.S.? That’s right – all 50 states, baby.

If I got pregnant from “unwanted mating” or simply didn’t want to have eight babies at once (humans have it so easy, except for Octomom – she gets it), I could have an abortion. No problemo. Just shove a pill into a gelatinous pile of Friskies, and tell Boebert to stop being such a sourpuss.

Sure, this sounds like a lot of hassle, and the reality that Boebert still has a lead in the polls over her Democratic running mate is making me want to puke up a hairball, but trust me. It’ll all be worth it in the end. Just think of the taxpayer-funded kitty litter AND boxes.

So, my fellow Coloradans, during a time when we’re all having difficulty identifying with the Broncos, make the better choice. Identify as a cat. And be sure to check out my profile on Petfinder!

– Addyson Santese, Durango