Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

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Dear Rachel,

Music is the voice of the youth. Ain’t that right? Or at least, it’s supposed to be. Especially rock and roll, and the like. But I’ve noticed something any time I go see live music: something like 90 percent of the attendees are on the got-old side of 50. The musicians can be 22 years old, but everyone buying a CD after the show was probably at Woodstock. Do we young-uns need to take back the music? Or is the music dead?

– My Generation

Dear Punk,

You’re so right. This is doubly true in a place like Durango, where your sixty-somethings still drink PBR and wear trucker hats. I say reclaim your birthright to be pissed off at your elders through the medium of a distorted electric guitar. Start your own band! If nothing else, you’ll think differently about your elders when they’re the only ones buying your merch.

– Why don’t you all f-f-fade away, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

What do you recommend for chasing off deer? My yard is a thoroughfare for the local herd, and I actually kind of liked watching them ... until I got a dog. Now I have to check the yard, front and back, every time Fido wants out to pee. He’d love to play with them, but I’m solidly against my dog getting kicked or gored by a cornered beast. But these deer are stubborn. Lights, shouting, clapping, none of it works. What works?

– Departed Deerly

Dear John,

Getting a mountain lion would probably work. They also sell mountain lion pee, and imitation mountain lion pee, so if you want to stink up the joint you could always buy that and put yourself on the very special NSA watch list. But I think your best bet is to get a junker dog to chase off the deer, so that your keeper dog can litter your yard (and probably eat deer turds) in peace.

– Bambi lives, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I saw the write up on the Durango Voice in the paper, and even though I didn’t go to the event, I’m thinking I should sign up next year. You get coached by a professional musician. It’s free! And come on, it’s not like Durango’s big enough to have much competition. I think I have a shot. But I don’t want to sing the same old retreads that people always sing on these shows. What song should I start practicing to stand out from the crowd?

– Celine Doin’ It

Dear Opera Star,

I think you should blow the judges’ minds by performing your own song. Something with passion, with verve, with its own joie de vivre. Something with an agenda, conveyed in the vocally challenging bridge. Something so revolutionary that they’ll clamor to coach you. Something so true, so uniquely YOU, that it will make them want to queue up and buy your CD. At least the ones that are over 50.

– The fat lady has sung, Rachel