Ants in pants, fear of flying and office romance

Dear Rachel,

For those who care… So sorry about Roe v. Wade. I have heard from GOP voters that men will not be able to get a vasectomy to prevent child bearing and that condoms will only be given out behind the counter at a drug store, like in the ’40s and ’50s, in GOP-held states. What?? Also, I heard that a male must prove he really needs Viagra only with GOP doc prescription. Your woman’s thoughts on this? To the GOP: stay out of my bedroom and my boxers.

– Oscar Meyer

Dear Weiner Mobile,

I had an ant crawl up my leg the other day, and the little a-hole bit me. I didn’t expect to get bit, but there it is, and the bite is still swollen. Now imagine that the ant was one of those sci-fi ones that lays eggs under the skin after it bites you. I become a host for mutant ant babies that I’m unprepared and unwilling to raise. I’m not saying this is a perfect metaphor, but I am saying that the GOP would never get rid of ant Viagra, even for the male ants. So Oscar, I think your boxers are safe. 

– Bite me, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Just flew the friendly skies for the first time since 2019. I know masks aren’t mandatory anymore, but I was still startled how few people wear them. Whereas me, I think I was holding my breath on airplanes before then and never really realized that masks were an option. I don’t want to breathe the droplets of 200 people in a pressure-sealed metal tube even without a pandemic. Do you think masks are here to stay? Or do I need to start hoarding them for all my future trips?

– Masked Crusader

Dear Faceless Passenger,

I always thought it was gross as eff that people touch everything they touch in airports and then eat those little in-flight snack pouches with their fingers. I promise you that half the people coming out of the restroom did not wash their hands, and that seat belt has never been disinfected. Yet they’re still slurping cheese dust and salt off their fingers at 30,000 feet halfway to Vegas. It’s inexcusable. Unless the peanuts are honey roasted. That is delish.

– Tray table up, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I started a new part-time job where my girlfriend works, and she’s the one who recommended me. But they don’t exactly, strictly speaking, know we are together. We aren’t like making out at work or anything inappropriate like that, since we barely do PDA anyway. But now I’m stressing about them finding out outside of work. Like, is this nepotism of a kind? Do I need to come clean? Will they even care? 

– Clocked In

Dear Man at Work,

Literally no one cares about your intimate relationship. Except the Supreme Court. They care too much.

– Get a room, Rachel