Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon. People take their dogs to the dog park so that they can be dogs, running free, sniffing butts, scuffling and skirmishing off-leash. But these same people get embarrassed when their dogs act like dogs. They don’t want their pooches running up to other dogs, or licking genitals, or anything else that a civil human wouldn’t do in public. What’s their childhood trauma, and why treat dogs this way?

– Beware of Dog Owners

Dear Miss Manners,

I think the problem stems from people treating their dogs like people. And do you see how we treat other people? Like dogs! We suck at letting people be their true, wacky selves. We get all judgy and impose social norms on their freak flags. Dogs, however, are really good at teaching us how to be ourselves. But we are really bad at learning. So we try to impose those same rules on dogs, and it’s a shame, because the world would be a much gentler place with more genital licking.

– Attaboy, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What on earth is the appeal of fishing? You’ve got all this cumbersome gear that gets tangled and snagged. You also have to carry that gear to

your chosen body of water. Your fingers get smelly from handling bait. Then whatever meditative qualities come with the sport get interrupted when you actually catch something, whether that’s a fish or a weed. How is this ordeal any better than just spending the day outdoors with a comfy chair and a six-pack?

– The One That Got Away

Dear Limp Fish,

This is a classic case of semantics justifying our simianantics. If you say “I’m six-packing by the river today,” you’re a drunk and a bum. If you say “I’m going fishing today,” you’re still a drunk and a bum, but your closest relations can fashion a more Biblical image of you contemplating existence and feeding your soul, if not your family. That said, why this form of “recreation” has any appeal is beyond me.

– Cut bait, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I sometimes use dishes multiple times between washings. I’m not talking, like, a bowl of spaghetti or a syrup-crusted French toast plate. But a coffee mug. What’s going into it? More coffee! I think I’m conserving time and dish soap. My boyfriend thinks I’m a disgusting pig, and worse, a cheapskate. Which of us is more right, and more importantly, how do I convert my boyfriend to my point of view?

– Dawn of a New Era

Dear Sudsless,

Are you making your boyfriend reuse dirty dishes? The answer is no, because he’s fully capable of washing his own damned dishes. You’re an independent individual, and if you want to taste day-old saliva on the rim of your mug, then who am I to say it’s not actually a flavor enhancer for your unhygienic cuppa. As for your relationship friction, I find you can smooth out most problems with a bit of gratuitous genital licking.

– Tough on grease, Rachel