Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Which route is faster from the south side to the north side? Going up Main the whole way, from College to 32nd, or taking the long and tedious route up Florida and cutting through Riverview? I’ve raced my friend to time it, and she won going the residential route, but I think she cheated worse than I did. So I’m looking to you to back me up so I can tell her I-told-her-so.

– Fast and Furious

Dear Easy Rider,

You didn’t give me nearly enough information. Are you talking about doing the drive at night, when you can Pac-Man your way up Main with no other cars in sight? Or 8:00 am, when I’m wondering what the hell job requires all these people to be there so early? Are you in comparable vehicles, or are you riding a Big Wheel while she’s cruising in a Corvette? I question your commitment to the scientific method.

– Cruisin’ together, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently figured out that I, completely on accident, have had zero alcoholic beverages in 2018. I didn’t set out to go dry, I swear! But I haven’t craved a single drop since I survived

Christmas with the family. I used to mock people who got on the wagon (or is it fell off the wagon?) Now I’m one of them, and I’m questioning my identity as a person who likes fun. What’s wrong with me, Rachel? Should I seek professional help?

– All Dried Up

Dear Party Pooper,

Social norms and peer pressure to the contrary, it sounds like you’ve stumbled upon the healthiest life decision you could make. Your body has stopped asking you to ingest small doses of depressive poisons. Rock on! Now that you know you’re not an alcoholic, I think you can return to binge-drinking free of worries and concerns. It’s not a problem if you can quit anytime.

– Bottoms up, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What’s the best way to quit a job? I’ve had good luck in the past with the strategy I call “Send a mass resignation email to the entire company at 4:58 on Friday, and never come back.” I’ve also gone with a “Call and leave a message with the night shift cleaners” approach. I hear there’s something called “leaving well,” where you give notice and wrap up your projects and everything. Sounds fishy. Which do you think I should try next?

– Off ice Spaced

Dear Between Jobs,

You’re leaving all your jobs voluntarily without getting fired? Dude(tte), you are missing out on the beautiful thing known as a “severance package.” That’s where people pay you millions of dollars to leave your job! But it only works if you’re a CEO who’s driven your company into the dust. If you’re one of us menial laborers, like the fella who drives the water wagon, then you’re outta luck.

– Quitter, Rachel