Carry-ons of fire

Addyson Santese - 10/10/2024

Do you yearn for the days of middle school when you were forced to run the mile, but wish that not finishing on time had more inconvenient, expensive consequences? Have you thought about adding some high-intensity interval training to your otherwise relaxing vacation plans? Are you perhaps training for an ultramarathon or some other grueling test of the human body’s mental and physical limits? If only there was a place where you could accomplish all of those goals simultaneously…

Allow me to introduce you to a little concept called running from Terminal A to Terminal B of the Denver International Airport. Nothing gets the heart pumping and the blood flowing like the fear of missing a flight, but the mile-high airport takes things to the next level. 

Located on a prairie a million miles away from civilization, the Denver Airport looks less like one of the top 10 busiest airports in the world and more like a haunted circus that rolled into town right around the time a bunch of schoolchildren went mysteriously missing. Blucifer, the airport’s 32-foot-tall mustang statue with glowing red eyes (who also coincidentally crushed its sculptor to death) does little to counter that image. Neither do the conspiracy theories about end-of-the-world predictions and secret underground tunnels for lizard people. But that’s not even the scariest part about this place. 

You see, the real horror is that the DIA was designed exclusively with Olympic athletes in mind. From its miles-long terminals to its haunting artwork, this airport offers a truly punishing travel experience. You’ll need self-discipline, mental fortitude and a sub-four-minute mile if you have any intention of making your connecting flight thanks to a few sadistic architects. 

Most people would assume that the “international” component of the airport’s title might mean it has the capacity to move large numbers of people from place to place via, say, a tram system or busses. And you’d be partially right. There’s a train that can take passengers from terminal to terminal, but to get to that train you have to hoof it the entire mile through all 37 gates like a pack mule at the Grand Canyon. And if you think using the moving walkways is an easy solution, well, boy do I have bad news for you. 

On every single moving walkway, there will be at least one person who considers the conveyor belt the perfect place to take a load off. Unlike you, they have at least six hours until their next flight. They’re in no rush. Not only will this person stand directly in the center of the walkway, they will also barricade either side of the aisle with their offensively large luggage and aggressive lack of spatial awareness. Hopefully you’ve always wanted to participate in an urbanized version of American Ninja Warrior because you’ll need to be really good at parkour to make it around these human obstacles. 

The only way to prepare for a trip to the Denver Airport is to adopt a rigorous training schedule that focuses heavily on hitting your VO2 max and developing neuromuscular power. You’ll also want to work on intermittent fasting. Since your gate will inevitably change the moment you get to your terminal, you’ll have to forgo any plans of “grabbing a quick bite” between flights. If you’ve trained well, you should be able to run the equivalent of the Boston Marathon from the caloric intake of two Biscoff cookies.

With strength, determination and a brutal fitness plan, you just might make it to your vacation. And don’t forget – you get do all of this again on the way back!

 

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