Hostage situation

Addyson Santese - 05/23/2024

Dear valued hostage, 

As you may have heard, us folks over here at the FBI Crisis Negotiation Unit and Greg (your abductor and health insurance specialist) have recently reached a new agreement, restoring your access to freedom and somewhat tolerable insurance rates. We’d like to congratulate ourselves on this achievement because we couldn’t have done it without us. We’re proud that both parties stayed at the negotiation table even though, to be honest, you made it really difficult. 

Seriously, every time we came up with a reasonable solution, you were a huge jerk about it. Greg decided he was willing to let you roam within a 50-foot radius of his house, chained up to a pipe in the wall so you could get some yard time and what did you say? You said no. That’s not good enough. Didn’t even stop to consider the Vitamin D. 

And what about when you sprained your ankle, foolishly trying to run away to some other health insurance specialist when you know Greg is the only provider in your area? That man generously offered you an aspirin at the rate-adjusted price of 50 bucks per pill, and you turned it down. It was all or nothing with you from the start. 

But you know who was willing to compromise? Greg. 

At first, we were kind of like, what’s this guy’s deal? It’s like all he wants is to have a total, unquestioned monopoly over healthcare options in your region. Then he offered to take us on a group trip to Disneyland with a cut of the profits from extorting you, and we were like, you know what? Greg’s chill. 

Look, we get that these last few months have left you feeling frustrated and helpless, asking yourself questions like why is this happening? How come my health insurance company sent Greg after me in an unmarked van with a chloroform-soaked rag? Will my primary care doctor still be in-network by the time I escape because I’m pretty sure my ankle is broken, and I definitely need an X-ray? All good questions. But you never stopped to ask the most important one. 

How are Greg and the FBI holding up? 

Gosh, thanks for finally asking. This hostage situation or insurance adjustment period or whatever you want to call it has been tough for everyone (us especially). It’s not every day you have to deal with the world’s most self-centered captive, always blabbing on and on about “basic human rights” and “unethical treatment” and whatnot. We’ve got stuff going on too, you know.

Not that you asked, but Greg actually suffers from a rare health condition where his eyeballs turn into giant cartoon dollar signs and pop out of his head à la Scrooge McDuck whenever he sees a vulnerable policyholder. Since you keep insisting on having a body and existing outside of a metroplex, Greg has no choice but to keep financially exploiting your lack of healthcare options. It wears on him. 

And then you dragged the FBI into it. We exist for serious stuff, OK? Federal crimes. Threats to national security. Actual hostage negotiations. Americans being bent over by poor coverage and high costs is as routine as the Spam and mustard sandwich Greg brought to your cage three times a day. (Admit it. You were starting to like Spam.)    

It took months of wearing us down, complaining and threatening legal action, but you finally got what you wanted: release from Greg’s basement and a $7,000 deductible plan. At least Greg’s got fastpass tickets so we can skip the line when we all ride Space Mountain. 

Anyway, we recognize that you have little to no choice in your abductor/hostage negotiation team, and we thank you for your cooperation. While we were able to reach an agreement to broker your freedom today, we can’t guarantee that Greg won’t try to kidnap you or another policyholder the next time his insurance company needs a human life to use as collateral.

– Best wishes, 

Your negotiators and Greg


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