5G, what to expect when you're expecting & pineapple pizza

Interesting fact: My favorite conspiracy theory is that the coronavirus communicates via 5G. If that were true (which I hate to say it’s not) then coronavirus would probably order pizza delivery with extra pineapple, just to tick you off.

Dear Rachel,

I love all these conspiracy theories about 5G. Seriously, 5G apparently causes everything from riots to Trump to AIDS. My personal favorite is that 5G causes chemtrails. But what is 5G, exactly? All I know is my phone doesn’t have it, so I’m safe (or so they tell me). Can you explain it to me, and why 4G and 3G aren’t the culprits for everything wrong in the world?

– 5G in the Brain

Dear Five Thousand,

I just realized that both K and G mean a thousand. Mind: blown. I also want 5G to have a completely useless mnemonic device. Something like, Good Girls Give Generous … Giggles? Anyway, all 5G means is that it’s the fifth-generation cell phone technology. We had original cell phones, then Cell Phones: TNG, then dot dot dot, 5G. The frequency is apparently higher for 5G, and I thought conspiracy folks were all about raising our vibration? Go figure.

– Don’t trust the gubmint, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My sister-in-law is pregnant and expecting this fall. Of course I’m excited. I see her online asking friends for hand-me-down maternity clothes. Which is all good. I’m all for reusing and reducing waste and all that. But the thing is, my brother is also posting about all his new woodworking tools. Spoiler: he’s not a woodworker, and they’re not hand-me-down tools. I feel mad at him, and I need someone to tell me I’m OK being mad at him.

– The No-Tool Man

Dear Not Tim Taylor,

Hell yeah you should be mad at him! Pregnancy is the time where a decent man would spend money not on his own blatantly selfish desires, but on his covertly selfish desires. Upgrade the house and pretend it’s for the baby. New grill without cancer-causing buildup. New TV without cancer-causing ionizing radiation overflow. New soundproofing in the master bedroom. New reading material in the bathroom. And maybe even a fresh paint job in the nursery.

– Goo goo gah gah, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Man, who puts pineapple on pizza? This is not a new complaint, I’m well aware. But it’s something I tried to tolerate for years and now I can’t because it’s just disgusting. The texture doesn’t belong on pizza. The flavor doesn’t belong on pizza. I guess the color’s OK, because it’s yellow and so is cheese. But this should seriously be outlawed to make the world a better place! Will you join me in solidarity?

– Pine-Nope-ll

Dear Spongebob,

You’re living in a pineapple of your own creation. Who cares what other people eat on their pizza? It doesn’t affect you in any way. Period. This false-martyrdom is the 5G that actually infects our society. Who someone marries or screws or makes butterfly kisses with affects you zero. Which deity someone worships affects you zero. Which City Market someone shops at should matter to you zero. Don’t like pineapple on your pizza? Don’t come to my house, and don’t you dare judge my pie.

– Double cheese, Rachel