A bookworm's dilemma, buttered up and selling out

A bookworm's dilemma, buttered up and selling out

Dear Rachel,

Plane etiquette question. Nighttime flight. Everyone’s tired. The cabin lights go down. Most everyone is asleep or trying to be. But not me. I just got airport coffee and a smutty paperback and am rarin’ to go. I turn on my reading light. It stands out. Maybe three of us on the whole flight have lights on. My seatmate has the gall to ask me to turn it off. I don’t think I have to. But should I? And why not?

– Lighting the Way

Dear Bookworm,

Ah, the question you’re asking might well be this: Is there a place in society anymore for the bookworm? Your seatmate should have been more concerned about whether you had a blanket over your lap, reading racy novels like that. Maybe you should bring a flashlight next time so you can cover yourself entirely in your blanket and read in your own private bubble. Just inform the flight attendants ahead of time so they don’t pass you over for snacks.

– Coming in for a landing, Rachel 

 

Dear Rachel,

What makes butter so special? Why, out of all the dairy products and toast spreadables, does butter get its own penthouse in the refrigerator? Fruit and veggies make sense. They have humidity needs and could easily get squashed by a gallon of milk. But butter? It’s already solid. It comes in little boxes, and then in paper. It’s protected. What gives?

– Good Butter Best

Dear Stick Up Your Butter,

The butter worked this into its contract: it wanted a space distinct from milk and cream and the other butter wannabes. Butter is the only dairy that isn’t afraid of heights. Mingling with the other ingredients is not its jam. Butter knows it makes everything taste better, so it doesn’t want to taste like anything else. (Sometimes it’s salty about this.) But butter is also a voyeur; thus, the see-through walls of its pad. I can’t believe it’s not a better penthouse, to be honest.

– Spreading misinformation, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

News media is going the way of the billionaire class. Really glad that the Telegraph is staying true. But are you? Or has no one offered you enough money to sell out yet? What would it take to buy your voice and/or the paper’s?

– Totally Not an Interested Party

Dear Moneybags,

Everyone has a price. Me included. You could sponsor me right now! I’d simply add, to every column, “Funded in part by Moneybags,” so that every reader with sense could read between the lines and figure out that maybe I’m actually making fun of my sponsor. But I wouldn’t really care. I’d be flying first class, where you can get the flight crew to read to you so you don’t even need a reading light.

– Know your worth, Rachel

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