A sucky idea, cowboying up and costume do's & dont's

Dear Rachel,

I have an idea for a new invention, and I hope you can run this letter in hopes of finding my angel investor. It’s a floor that vacuums itself. It’s a regular house floor with little holes like an air hockey table. But instead of blowing air out, it sucks dirt in. Got dog hair? It can also blow air out to collect everything in one corner for easy cleanup. Tell me you think this is genius and I’ll give you a cut of my inevitable fortune.

– Mad Scientist

Dear Vent Inventor,

Eh, what the hell: I think this is genius. We have this in writing, if you should make yourself rich on this idea. I’m holding you to it. The even more genius idea is if you could put that floor on actual air hockey mode. Imagine a living-room sized game of air hockey. Imagine a game of actual hockey in the kitchen, sticks and all. Put little slits in the baseboards for the goals. Charge friends four quarters per period. Pay for the flooring that way. It’s brilliant. Think about it.

– I call next game, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Do you think you should have to earn the privilege to wear job-specific clothing? Or can you just get away with anything? I’m thinking cowboy hats and boots without cowboying, and football jerseys without footballing. Feels to me like wearing bike shorts without riding a bike, but maybe I’m in the wrong here. What do you think?

– Fashion Incensed

Dear Apparel-Appalled,

There is this old adage: Dress for the job you want. I’m guessing a lot of folks would like to be John Elway or even any one of the Broncos. So, power to them? I personally think only yoga instructors should dress like yoga instructors, and then only when going to the yoga instruction office. But if we want to bring reflective neon vests into style, I don’t care that I’ve never stepped foot on a job site, I’d be down for that.

– All dressed up, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I’m new to town and understand that dressing up in costume is pretty essential for living here. I might be missing some things but I’ll plan on Halloween as my starting point. Any advice for the newbie on do’s and don’ts for costuming up right?

– New Kid on the Grid

Dear Unmasked,

You know what you need to do? Don’t put too much into any one costume. Instead, invest in an entire costume stash. An ancient steamer trunk will do, or your spare bedroom. Pick up every cool, quirky, distinct wig, accessory, shoe, coat, feathered/glittered/ studded piece of clothing you can. Because when the need for a costume strikes, you need to be prepared. Just don’t dress up as a make-believe cowboy in your day-to-day, and you will be pretty well accepted.

– Guess who, Rachel