Anti-ant, in the cards and kinda Kermit

Dear Rachel,

Ants, ants, everywhere. They wait for the first glimpse of spring to come into my house. They’re not even going for the food. They just like to wander into my living room and meander around. Maybe they’re just window shopping? My home could be like a destination vacation? How do I make them go away?

– Ant-illes Island

Dear Antie Dearest,

You can fight the ants, but you cannot win. Squash one, and five will take its place. Cut through them, and they shall part like a cloud around your blade. Curse them, and they will laugh in their tiniest little ant voices. The ants preceded you, my friend, and they will succeed you and all your children, picking your bones clean until they’ve consumed the very memory of your existence. No one wins the Battle of Ant-ietam.

– A real picnic, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why is card counting illegal? Seems to me like a perfectly legitimate use of your eyes and brain. What, am I just supposed to forget how many cards are in a deck when I’m playing? There are only 52 cards, or 104 if playing with two decks … or I suppose 50 if you’re not playing with a full deck… which, the more I talk about counting cards, the more I realize I’m not. What the hell is card counting, and why is it verboten, Rachel?

– Know When to Fold ‘Em

Dear Holding Too Long,

Card counting, believe it or not, is not actually illegal. Not when you just use the ol’ noggin. But casinos do not like it when you count cards, because casinos like to steal your money, and they can steal more when you think you can win big but you actually cannot. Ho ho ho, they do not dig it when you play their game better than them! So they can throw you out of their private establishments, which is kind of like going to jail until you realize you’re better off in the slammer that is the real world.

– Hit me, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why are we, as a society, completely OK with a character like James Bond or Batman being recast, yet vehemently opposed to, say, Indiana Jones being played by anyone else? I ask, because I cannot watch any Muppet project filmed post-Henson. I just can’t. I’ve tried. I’ve tried and I’ve tried. But I know that Kermit is an impostor. And now they’re all impostors. Can’t we make it stop?

– Put Down the Puppet

Dear Muppet Baby,

Nope, we cannot make it stop. Money marches on, as inexorable as ants. Someone is going to reboot Indy someday, like it or hate it with every fiber of your being. And the Muppets will never die, as much as I hate it with every fiber of their being. And they have a lot of fibers, being, you know, glorified socks.

– It’s time to light the lights, Rachel