App-aholics, birds of play and snakes alive

Dear Rachel,

How many freaking apps do we need for messaging each other? I have friends who use Messenger, Snapchat, Whatsapp and whatever the regular old texting thing is. And those are just the ones I’ve caved into downloading. I’m certain they use more. And it’s not like they have different ones for different people. Individual people will message me on all four apps in the same day. What’s the most polite way for me to stop this madness?

– 54 Unread Messages

Dear Full Up,

Ugh, tell me about it. Sounds even worse than mailing someone a letter and waiting days for a response that gets published in what’s basically the largest group text in town. Even so, I prefer that to being one of those working schmucks for whom each messaging app purports to boost productivity. I had a job once with an app that was literally virtual sticky notes on a virtual bulletin board. I much preferred analog sticky notes, which necessitated me to walk to the supply cabinet a few times a day.

– BRB, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I just learned that the eagle call we hear in movies & shows is most often a red-tail hawk. I can’t decide if I’m outraged or impressed. Like, I’d be pissed if I learned Tom Hanks had someone else rerecord all his lines. BUT… have you ever switched your audio over to Español and discovered that, say, Latina Halle Berry or Latino Benedict Cumberbatch is even sexier? Just saying.

– Overdub

Dear Underbud,

The only natural compromise here is for the eagles in films to come with subtitles. That way, we can preserve their natural language while accommodating those whose primary understanding of nature is through the various hawk tongues. And yes; having sat through “Toy Story” whenever my college Spanish teacher had a hangover means I get warm feelings listening to Tom Hanks’ doble de voz.

– Skree skree, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We have a harmless snake living under our porch. I’m cool with it. I figure it’s eating other things we don’t want. But my partner can’t stand knowing there’s a creepy crawly right under her feet every time she steps through the door. She wants me to kill it. Now, this I am afraid to do. The snake hissed at me once, and I peed a little. How can I convince my partner I killed the snake without actually killing it?

– Snake Hunter

Dear Hissterical,

Document the crap out of the fake hunt on all your messaging apps. Send notes from the hardware store about buying gloves, acetylene, whatever you need to kill a snake. Insta yourself all suited up. Snap yourself about to go under the porch, then drop the phone and make a bunch of noises, “Blair Witch”-style. Stab yourself with an ice pick a few times, then shoot a text of yourself dropping a trash bag (with a cut-up hose inside) into the bin. Oh, and do all this while your partner’s not at home.

– Crikey, mate, Rachel