Ask Rachel: Dirt-turds, side hustles and imported germs

Dear Rachel,

The best days in elementary school were always the ones when the playground maintenance guys aerated the grass and we had a bounty of dirt-turds to throw at each other. I just discovered that as an adult I can aerate my own lawn and create my own little missiles whenever I please. Is there any legal or ethical reason I should not throw these gifts at my neighbors, mail carriers, chipmunks, etc.?

– Bombs Away

Dear Soiled Again,

Sometimes, you just look at a person and know that neither their parents nor their guardians, foster homes, nuns, nor drill sergeants raised them right. Sometimes, those people are running around without masks. Sometimes, they’re wearing the other team’s sports clothes. It’s a spectrum. I’ll just say that throwing clods at unsuspecting adults is ... not the worst point on that spectrum? I suspect children would enjoy the game more. Launch your rockets at some of them.

– En garde, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Isn’t everyone developing a side hustle right about now? A little extra something to supplement the gaunt paychecks from this year? I am, and let me tell you, I never considered how much goods get marked up each step along the way. I have a few retail buyers for my clothes and cosmetics but they expect to take half the price! I’m fronting all the supplies and the labor, but they’ll get half the dough. How is this fair?

– Goodie One-Shoe

Dear Future Marxist,

You think that’s unfair? Just wait until you hear about self-employment taxes! Which are a total waste of space, except for the parts where they pay for public schools and roads and whatnot. Otherwise, they suck! They’ll come right out of your share of those measly profits. If it makes you feel any better, those scroogy business owners have to pay taxes too (unless they’re Amazon). Plus, they have to maintain customer bathrooms. That right there is worth the markup, my friend.

– Paying customers only, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

As long as I’ve lived here, it’s been open season on Texans and Californians (usually in that order). They’re the cause of every negative change and the object of all-purpose ridicule. Now lately I’m finding myself getting instantaneously irate every time I see one of their stupid license plates trucking around our town. Why they gotta bring their virus-laden selves to our peaceful place? And what can I do to calm the eff back down?

– Get Off of My State

Dear Colorado Supremacist,

You do realize that without California and Texas, the population of Colorado would be about 60,000, which is the Native American population? True story. Yes, many of us become much cooler and sexier once we settle into these Centennial State skies. But we never truly shake our TX/CA roots (even if we pronounce it “Pennsylvania” or “Mexico” or something like that). But that’s not to say your road rage is unwarranted. Go home, losers! Or we’ll throw dirt-turds at you!

– Hasta la vista, Rachel