Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Of all the college degrees in all the world, the one that makes the least sense to me is a master’s in poetry. It is more useless than a degree in art history, or in French. Those at least have some depth. But why do people need years of highlevel study to understand 16 lines of verse? Explain poetry to me, please, before my daughter goes off to grad school this fall.

- Poet? Don’t Know It

Dear Wordsworthless,

You want me to explain to you an entire discipline, the densest and sparsest and oldest literary art form in the world, in less than 100 words? This is merely a newspaper advice column; it’s hardly up to the task. If you want to understand how the world works, in less space than it takes to write a grocery list, then you, my friend need poetry. Does that help?

– Let me count the ways, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Here’s a critical question for you: Why is carpeting done the way it is, with all these layers of foam and padding and everything that you can never access to clean? It’s like wearing underwear under pants you can never take off. I ask this question because the more pertinent question, regarding a puppy’s juicy accident, will be moot (I hope) by the time this question goes to print.

– Carpet Quandary

Dear Rugged Individual,

Carpet is the devil’s way of entering our hearts and homes. It seems harmless enough, right? But you can NEVER clean it. Do you know how much not-dead-enough bacteria live in your carpet? Neither did I, til I looked it up (see above). And that doesn’t mention dead skin cells, pollen, and your dog’s clearinghouse. Tear it up. Tear it all up. Even if you’re renting, tear it ALL up.

– Besides, it doesn’t even match the drapes, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m in a predicament. I found what seems to be the Durango dream – free rent. But nothing’s ever really free. The house is offered in exchange for caretaking it. This could be easy peasy – call the plumber every now and again, mow the lawn, ta da! Or it could be a nightmare job: mutant rodents in the walls, no foundation whatsoever, yada yada. How can I weight the value of not paying rent against possibly giving up all my spare time?

– Mr. Fix It

Dear Resident Handyman,

Are you feeling lucky, punk? Because you’re gambling either way here. Nothing I can say will help you look inside those walls to see what you’re up against. Nothing I can do will determine your future house hassles, except that every house is a hassle. But you can ask one big question of the homeowners that will set you on the right course. If Montezuma ever took his revenge on a dog on the premises, hard pass. Nothing is worth that headache.

– Know when to fold ’em, Rachel