Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Every time I think it can’t get worse, it gets worse. I just learned about the painting Trump commissioned for the Oval Office that shows him as the center of adoration at a cocktail party with all the other Republican presidents, including the back of Lincoln’s head. Even Nixon looks happy to be there. This should disturb me because of the sitting prez’s egomaniacal nature, but mostly, the painting is just in poor taste. What can I, as a concerned citizen, do about this atrocity in the White House?

– Art Critic

Dear Blinded,

I looked up this painting after your letter. I could suggest you create a Molotov cocktail with paint thinner instead of fire, but I believe one can get arrested for suggesting such things, so I won’t. But this painting deserves the Banksy shredder treatment, minus the cool factor. It’s worse than the dogs playing poker. It’s worse than the anatomically correct family portraits my little sister used to draw. Everyone looks way too happy to be there, and Trump’s head is stuck on some poor Chippendale’s body. There’s nothing we can do; this is worse than The Handmaid’s Tale.

– Averting my eyes, O Lord, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Tis the season when my friends are lobbying me to write letters to the editor for their preferred political candidates. I just don’t get it. Why does anyone write a letter to the editor when they could write a letter to you instead?

– Rachel 4 Sheriff

Dear Suckup,

Probably because the editor (usually) runs the letters without running answers to them. Political people (usually) don’t want rebuttals. And in fairness, I (usually) don’t actually answer the questions asked of me. But you’re right about one thing: I just don’t know what that one thing is.

– For trust and democracy and a brighter future, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m tired of the “clothing optional” euphemism for “totally raving buck naked.” There are certain hot springs and spas that tout themselves as “clothing optional,” but all that really does is turn the critical eye away from the nudists and onto those of us with modesty and other valid reasons to remain suited. Can’t we just have distinct places for “clothing” and “seriously no one wants to see that”?

– Naked and Afraid

Dear Prude,

Do I seriously have to point out to you that you’re advocating for a “separate but equal” doctrine? We all have bodies, and we have enough shaming of said bodies without you criticizing the people who want to seize one of the rare opportunities in this world to be naked outside the house. Get over it. I mean, if people offend you so much, do clothes really make a difference? I haven’t seen a single naked Republican, president or otherwise, and I love them no more for it.

– Letting my freak flags fly, Rachel