Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

I celebrated when my kids graduated high school, because I knew I’d never again have to attend school functions and pretend to be inter- ested in what they (and everyone else’s kids) were doing. Plays, art shows, band concerts, baseball games, you name it. Well, I screwed up as a parent, because my adult kids are still put- ting on functions, and they’re still inviting me to come. And they’re still doing plays, art shows, band concerts, and (at least there’s beer) softball games. How can I respond “no” to RSVPs with- out alienating my kids?

– Antisocial Calendar

Dear Respectfully Declining,

You need to create a life of your own. Take up activities that fill your evenings and commit you to other human beings so you can honestly tell your kids, “Sweetie, I’d love to be there to support you, but I’m booked with at-risk youth for all 17 evenings of your one-woman show.” Or just get a dog who can’t be left alone for more than an hour at a time. Or, you can lie.

– Sorry, suckers, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

I’m about to do the most adulting thing I’ve ever done: buy shoes that are made of leather. So far, everything I’ve purchase for myself are sneakers or flip flops or, for a while, an ill-fated pair of barefoot running shoes. You know, footwear you don’t have to care for. I’m kind of wondering if I’m insane to wear leather here during the winter. And seriously, leather soles? Is that even street legal? Help!

– Pedestrian Fashion

Dear Footloose,

Think of leather soles this way: cowboys wore leather soles and only leather soles for hundreds, maybe dozens, of years. But then civilization happened, and now the only cowboys anybody knows are Willie Nelson and those Dallas ones with the cheerleaders. That said, cows stand outside all winter long, and if they don’t freeze to death, their coats still look good come springtime. So try eating grass, and see what that does for your footwear.

– Wipe your feet, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

I’m learning to play the airline-mile game. Get free flights for stuff I’m buying anyway! Buy more miles for less than the cost of the plane ticket! This game is so addicting. The problem is, I don’t actually travel anywhere. I just feel like Scrooge counting golden coins, ex- cept my vice is these ethereal “miles” that don’t actually translate to anything real and that I’ll never use. But my god am I rich in miles! Isn’t there some good I can do with my manic wealth?

– Mile-ionair

Dear Daddy Milebucks,

I believe most airlines have programs where you can donate your miles to charity. Winter is upon us, and goodness knows there are plenty of people struggling with no miles of their own to keep them warm at night. But I might recommend that you gift them to Antisocial Calendar up there. You could get parents like that out of town every time they need an excuse to bail on their grownup kids.

– The friendly skies, Rachel

Top Shelf

Great American beer run, space rock and the Trocks
Great American beer run, space rock and the Trocks
By Chris Aaland
01/17/2019

Once again, I find myself in a stare-down with my own mortality.

'Bama-boozled, Supersuckers and Magic Beans
'Bama-boozled, Supersuckers and Magic Beans
By Chris Aaland
01/10/2019

You might think a diehard Alabama fan like me would have cried in his beer or smashed shit when No. 2 Clemson routed the top-ranked Crimson Tide 44-16 Monday night in the College Football Playoff Championship Game. Think again.

Human sacrifices, ComicCan and unicorns
Human sacrifices, ComicCan and unicorns
By Chris Aaland
01/03/2019

New Year’s Eve just doesn’t seem as wild as it did a decade or more ago. Gone are the days of slamming Ja?germeister shots or powering through Das Boot filled with Zima and Goldschla?ger.

Adieu to '18, the Daddies and coffee table reunion
Adieu to '18, the Daddies and coffee table reunion
By Chris Aaland
12/20/2018

And so we bid adieu to the calendar year 2018 ... my 50th year on this planet.

Read All in Top Shelf

Day in the Life

Snow birds
Snow birds
By Stephen Eginoire
01/17/2019

Winter birding in Durango? Most folks familiar with Southwest Colorado’s birding scene will tell you that spring is the game-on season, when our feathered friends start to return home from southern climes.

Below the surface
Below the surface
By Stephen Eginoire
01/10/2019

I was going to do another photo-filled essay about mountains, snow and exciting winter recreation, but given the recent amount of shoveling, snow-blowing and terrifying avalanche conditions in the backcountry, I thought I’d give our readers a break from all that and go ahead and feature something completely different: CaCO3.

Snowplace like home
Snowplace like home
By Stephen Eginoire
01/03/2019

Welcome back to the Animas Valley, Old Man Winter! It has been quite some time since we last had to unbury ourselves from a deep blanket of freshly fallen snow

Cold Feat - checking out some of the San Juans' coolest lines
Cold Feat - checking out some of the San Juans' coolest lines
By Stephen Eginoire
12/20/2018

What could be more enthralling than climbing a frozen waterfall?

Read All in Day on the Life