Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m on this new mucus-reducing diet, which sounds totally sexy, I know. I decided to do it because my voice is important for my job, and I thought this seemed like a nice way to care for my body. But it turns out I can eat absolutely nothing but lemons, salmon and chamomile tea. Leastwise that’s what it feels like. All my favorite foods are OUT. How long do I need to stick with this diet before it goes from “quitting it” to “completed it?”

– Losin’ the Loogies

Dear Stuffed Up,

Your diet sounds like a good idea, but it’s snot. Like just about any diet that’s not a medical necessity, I wonder, why are you doing this to yourself? Make micro-adjustments if you want to attain a booger-free existence. Gradual changes mean you’re not “on” a diet you can then “quit.” Like, start with Milkless Mondays, and then Taco-Free Tuesdays, and then cry into your chamomile on Wednesday and see how much mucus comes out.

– Insane in the membrane, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Maybe you can explain to me what makes a photograph “art” as opposed to “look, I pressed the button at the right place at the right time.” I mean, is there anything that makes a photographer more special than me, besides having a better camera? I’ve taken some pretty cool shots of mountains and things, but I don’t open a gallery on Main. Nor would I ever. So what’s the difference?

– Ansel Adontgetit

Dear Photo Bombed,

You can write words, as well – you just did so in that letter! – but you, my dear, are no Mark Twain or George Eliot. They aren’t great writers because they had great pens. They’re great writers because they can translate the world in ways all of us can understand but none of us can duplicate. Perhaps you should accost a photographer on the street someday and ask them to explain to you how their craft is different than your Insta feed. They’d love that.

– Say cheese, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Sushi. Weird, right? I mean, I shouldn’t need to say any more than that, but I will in case you are one of these strange Americans who thinks stuffing raw fish into his or her mouth is OK just because it’s rolled up with some rice and avocado. Not only is the whole concept strange, but people are willing to pay massive bucks for a meal smaller than an appetizer. Can you shed any light on this phenomenon that just won’t die?

– Meat and Taters

Dear Sam I Am,

Wait ... Sam I am is the one trying to get the other guy to try new foods, huh? So you’re Herman, that indefatigable naysayer who won’t try ham and eggs just because of some cultural stigmas around unnaturally green foods. When’s the last time you heard of someone dying from sushi, huh? And no one’s making you spend big bucks on it. That is, unless it’s the only thing you can eat on your no-booger diet.

– With extra salmonella, Rachel