Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What is a “Noel,” anyway? Why do songs think it rhymes with Israel? And why do we have these weird non-American words in our American holiday traditions in the first place?

– Merriam Webster

Dear Ms. Webster,

A Noel is a name for a boy. Rhymes with Joel. A Noe?l, however, has that metal-band umlaut over one of its letters. That’s why a Noe?l is like a regular Christ- mas only you add pyrotechnics and mullets and you play “Jingle Bells” with power chords and an epic solo shredded all over your figgy pudding. And that whole rhymes-with-Israel thing is probably just an establishment ploy to profit off the coolness. Kind of like Metallica.

– Turn it up to 11, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I saw that the Iron Horse registration starts this weekend. I feel like this is the year. I’m going to sign up! I’m going to train and get in shape and do this thing! And then I feel like “accidentally forgetting” to register until it’s all sold out. What can you say to keep me motivated long

enough to hand over my credit card number?

– Sincerely, Saddle Sorta

Dear Spooked,

Here’s all the motivation you need: FREE. LUNCH. Go to the local’s registration day on Friday and there’s always a
spread of sandwiches from Bread. I’ve even snagged beer and cookies. And it’s gen- strings attached! All you’ve got to do is pay the hundred-dollar registration fee, buy an actual road-worthy bicycle, get fitted for your spandex, load up on a bomb shelter’s worth of Clif bars, and ride every weekend for the next six months. But, come on. Free sandwiches. (Pro tip from someone who knows: if you eat the sandwich before you register, you have plenty of time to change your mind about the whole Iron Horse insanity thing.)

– Stuff your pockets too, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Everyone in Durango makes a big deal out of Noe?l Night, like one day of discounts is going to save them all kinds of money. Well, guess what? I’m not convinced. I’ve priced all my Christmas shopping on Amazon, and I’m going to save way more money without even having to change out of pajama pants or put down my beer. So what makes Noe?l Night so special?

– Bargain Shopper

Dear Grinch,

I just called you Grinch. You know who that is, yeah? The Grinch is the kind of dude who thinks the best part of Christmas is being a cheapass. Come on. It ain’t about the presents. Your friends – if you have any – would rather have no gift than a cheap gift, and they’d rather have quality time with you than any gifts at all. That’s what Noe?l Night is all about, Charlie Brown. Quality time with your town. So get out there, sing some carols, and let your small heart grow 11 sizes that day.

– Can’t stop Christmas from coming, Rachel