Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have been flying commercially 37 of my 40 years. There has always been an unspoken protocol of systematically filing out of the plane, row by row. This past weekend I had four different flights with peeps from the back rushing into the aisles as we were approaching the gate. Is this just the latest trend that we can blame on the Millennials or generations X, Y, Z?

– Airsick

Dear Cabin Fever,

All I want for Christmas is for people to stop blaming behaviors they don’t like on entire generations. It’s happened probably ever since the Industrial Revolution, because before that people lived pretty much the same way, generation to generation, for their desperately short lifespans. If anyone is going to break the trend, it’s going to be the Millennials, and they’ll do it just to watch their elders’ heads explode.

– Your final destination, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I never thought credit card fraud was real, until it affected me. I got a call late one weekend night from a call center employee reading a script at 87 mph. Some buggers managed to lift

my digits and fill up a tank of gas in Butthole, Mich. The woman read off all my other purchases from the last few days to verify if they were legitimate. They were, and in the moment honesty prevailed. But now I’m wondering, did I miss my chance at a week of free groceries? If it happens again, should I say no other charges were authorized?

– Shopping Spree

Dear Cash Grab,

Your question reminded me of that old game show where people went into a glass booth with money swirling around (and, based on what I know about money, there was probably cocaine and stripper juice swirling around too) to grab as much as possible. I don’t know the game show itself, just that gimmick. I looked into it, and it comes from two short-lived programs in the ’70s and ’80s. How could something so unsuccessful permeate our culture to this day? Or is it just me?

– Come on down, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

This is my first holiday season with my new belle. We’ve been talking since June about watching all our favorite Christmas movies together. Now that the season is upon us, I’ve discovered that her favorite holiday tradition is pointing out plot holes in all my favorite things. No one needs to overanalyze the Griswolds, but there she goes anyway. How can I survive the next month without murdering her?

– Crabby Elf

Dear Red-Faced Reindeer,

You could always just break up with her. I mean, I’ve dumped people for lesser offenses than finding fault in “A Christmas Story” (which you can’t, because that movie is perfectly constructed). Perhaps you just tell her that every time she opens her trap, an angel loses its wings. Or maybe go less drastic, and simply remove one of her gifts under the tree whenever she chimes in like an errant bell on Santa’s sleigh.

– Ho ho no, Rachel