Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My brother is getting married for the third time this summer in California and expects us to go. Really? Maybe if it was the first, or even second, but it’s even HER third or fourth marriage. And gifts? Seriously? Why don’t people like that sneak off to Jamaica and get married? Do I have to go?

– Maid of Horror

Dear Plus One,

I’d like to think “people like that” don’t sneak off to Jamaica because they want to have all their loved ones nearby for this momentous occasion, because this time, it’s for real and forever, probably. But really, you answered it yourself: it’s for the gifts. Going or not is up to you, but you are obligated to buy them gifts. However, since it’s your brother’s third time around, you are free to buy him gifts that are on their third time around, as well. Thrift store registry, here you come.

– Speak now, Rachel

Dear Rachel,
Why is it that every car commercial this time of year features someone walking out to find a shiny new car of their dreams with a giant red bow on it sitting in the driveway. Does this really happen? Ever? Plus - hasn’t this trope been played out since the invention of the wheel, or at least black-and-white television? Has Madison Avenue lost all form of creativity? Where’s Don Draper or some good old-fashioned subliminal advertising when you need it?

– Mad Man

Dear Restless Consumer,

What I want to know is where does one even buy ribbon that wide? All I have at home is the 1/8” stuff that curls real nice with the scissors. I really want to see the commercial where Dad (because of course it would be Dad) wraps the car in saran wrap so Daddy’s Little Girl has to spend 18 hours cutting through it.

– Warranty optional, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve thought for years that “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is a horrible Christmas song. It’s not sweet and playful and seductive. It’s badgering and entitlement at its peak. So while I’m glad that this abomination is finally under the axe, I’m frustrated that only now is it receiving this attention. Why didn’t all these women from Ella Fitzgerald to Lady Gaga refuse to sing it before now? I don’t want to think that the much-needed #MeToo is just a bandwagon fad.

– Temperature Is Not Consent

Dear Mouse,

Oh, us women are allowed our moments of standing up for ourselves. We’re so easily offended, though, that everyone knows by next year or the year after we’ll be upset about something else. We’ll return to our house slippers and aprons and forget all about that silly song, which really isn’t so bad after all. Then since we stayed indoors, out of the cold, we can just go ahead and make him a sandwich while we’re in here anyway.

– I really can’t stay, Rachel