Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

I have a horrible confession to make. Every year during the family get-together, I fake my period. I start complaining maybe two days before so my kids and my hubby can note my distress. Then, anywhere from 30-45 minutes into the family get-together, I excuse myself and head home to a carton of egg nog and a flask of Jack. It’s my holiday gift to myself. So I’m wondering, can you recommend anything else to make my me-day even merrier and brighter?

-HoHoSolo

Dear Menstrual Krampus,

My god. You’re like the Grinch, only more magnificent. He stole Christmas from the Whos. You’re stealing Christmas for yourself. I think this plan of yours is a more genius way to escape the fam than the traditional let’s-go-to-a-Christmas-afternoon-movie. Honestly? The only ways I can see to improve your day are a second carton of nog. And maybe some lactose pills.

– Bottoms up, Rachel

 

DearRachel,

I am fed up with Christmas cards that arrive at my house showing smiling faces of people I hardly know, babies I’ve never met, and cats I’ll never pet. I’m supposed to feel touched that someone thought of me during the holidays. But these atrocities always arrive with computer-printed address labels and not so much as a hand-scrawled signature. What is wrong with people who can’t send a simple card with at least your name personalized on it?

– Photo-Bombed

Dear Current Resident,

You’re thinking about this all wrong. You’re being given the perfect opportunity to pretend you are far more social than you are. Most of us are stuck buying picture frames and leaving in the photos of the models if we want our home decor to appear non-psychopathic. You, on the other hand, have a custom-made refrigerator mosaic that will last you the whole year through (or even longer if you cover up the “2018” with fridge magnets). It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

– Say cheese, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

The deer in my neighborhood have killed at least two dogs now this year. I know we’re supposed to live in harmony with the wildlife, and I’m as pacifist as any non-vegan, but this situation is getting seriously out of control. Heck, I would run over the deer myself, if I could afford the body shop repair fees. Is there something I can do to deter these pests from town, or at least keep them away from my own dog’s yard?

– DeerHunter

Dear John,

Well, this decidedly holiday-flavored Ask Rachel just took a turn for the morbid. I’m with you that the deer are menaces (unless they’re not, but you never know from moment to moment). They’re really dangerous in mating season though. I can’t authorize you to shoot them or run them down like Santa’s retired reindeer. But maybe you can fake a period. That seems to keep all kinds of trouble at bay.

– In heat, Rachel

Top Shelf

An Americana icon
An Americana icon
By Chris Aaland
08/31/2023

Folk Fest headliner on climate change, indigenous rights and summer road trips
 

'Matli crew
'Matli crew
By Chris Aaland
06/29/2023

Party in the Park returns with Latin rock supergroup

The bottom of the barrel
The bottom of the barrel
By Chris Aaland
08/19/2021

 After 14 years, ‘Top Shelf’ hangs up the pint glass

Back in the groove
Back in the groove
By Chris Aaland
07/29/2021

Local favorites the Motet return for KSUT’s Party in the Park
 

Read All in Top Shelf

Day in the Life

Half a century
Half a century
05/26/2022

A look back at the blood, sweat and gears as the Iron Horse turns 50

Bottoms up!
Bottoms up!
By Stephen Eginoire
05/27/2021

With this year's runoff more like a slow bleed, it is easy to let one's whitewater guard down. But remember: flips and swims can happen any place at any time. 
 

Cold comfort
Cold comfort
12/17/2020

Seeking solstice solace in the dog days of winter

A Grand escape
A Grand escape
By Stephen Eginoire
11/19/2020

Pandemic fatigue? Forget the world with three weeks on the Colorado

Read All in Day on the Life