Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

Could we have asked for a more milquetoast performance at the Super Bowl halftime show than Maroon 5? I understand completely that the largest televised crapshow in the history of whatever needs to appeal to the LCD. It’s hard to find an act that’s mildly inoffensive and yet widely known, and hey, you can’t book Coldplay and Kenny G every year. But the halftime show used to be about spectacle. Now it’s about refreshing the queso in the other room.

– Halftimed Out

Dear Mass Media Critic,

No one makes you watch the halftime show. In fact, I use that time to go to the grocery store. Did you know there are no lines at the checkout during the big annual football convention? And then I go roam the streets, just to experience what the apocalypse might feel like. The roads are silent. No one makes a sound – even the birds go silent. Cars are abandoned. A tumbleweed, stippled with ice, rolls down the block. All is well.

– Go team, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

My parents live in Denver. That’s a really safe buffer, because it’s either a 7-hour drive or a $600 plane ticket for them to get here. They don’t just show up on my doorstep. But now they’re moving to Albuquerque to, quote, “get away from the snow.” They’re effectively halving the distance between us. I dread they’ll be spending their summer weekends here, ruining my prime river time. How do I maintain my much-needed buffer?

– Only Child

Dear Kevin McAllister,

Short of building a bigger wall, there’s no real way to ensure you stay home alone. Here’s something for you to ponder, though: Can you find the equivalent of a “friend zone” for aged parents? You know, where you still let them take you to brunch and piggyback on their Netflix accounts, but you aren’t committed to having them spend the night at your place? Reach that holy grail, and you, my friend, will be happy all the rest of your days.

– Not your real mom, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

With all that ails the world, the tragedy that hurts me the most is the destruction of Joshua Tree National Park by a bunch of yahoos during the government shutdown. I know I should be more worried about the homeless people here, or climate change, but all I want to do is cry tears for those fallen trees and then go shove them up the dark side of the vandals’ moons, if you know what I mean. How can I cope and heal in these trying times?

- Not Joshing

Dear Tree Weeper,

I wish we had a way to rid the world of yahoos. We can’t, though. All we can do is our own small parts to better the world. Plant a new tree. Call your congressman/woman. Reduce your waste, and pick up after your dog. Then, take a walk during next year’s Super Bowl, like I do, and imagine a better world without people.

–That’ll cheer you up,

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