Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

As if Valentine’s Day isn’t treacherous and torturous enough, now we have to navigate the faux-liday without those candy hearts with the messages on them. Apparently the company that has always made them isn’t doing so this year. How am I supposed to flirt with the guy in the office across the hall if I can’t send him pre-printed expressions of my creative passion? And don’t tell me I have to actually talk to him. Ick.

– Wherefore Art Thou

Dear Juliet,

If a guy isn’t willing to get all his (and your) friends killed while in the process of miscommunicating with you, resulting in one of you faking your own death, the other one of you killing yourself over that non-death, and then the first one of you killing yourself for real over that actual death ... then it ain’t love, baby. At least that’s my unrealistic level of expectation based on the longest-running popular culture influence in the English-speaking world.

– Let’s get busy, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m sick and tired of trying to make advance plans with other people in this town. I try to coordinate people for dinner reservations or a ticketed event, but no one is willing to commit (or, more likely, bail) until the very last minute. Why do Durango people dither and wait every single time instead of taking the plunge and putting something on their freaking calendars for once?

– RSVPeeved

Dear Waitlisted,

I seriously have not kept a calendar since middle school, when we were standard-issued agendas where we had to write down homework assignments and verify them with totally never-forged parental signatures. You’re up against the wide, wild world of Durango, where something better always comes up, and the worst thing that could possibly happen to you is that you have tickets to the concert hall that force you to turn down a Grand Canyon river trip. I mean, probably not, but it *could* happen.

– Clear my schedule, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I don’t understand why any kind of agent has a job (except for secret agents – that makes total sense). Real estate agents. Agents for athletes. Insurance agents. Artistic representation. They have basically made their careers out of inserting themselves between a buyer and seller, or an employer and employee, and then charging a commission for the pleasure. I can’t help but feel like I pay more money for everything because of some or another agent. How can I eliminate this needless waste from my life?

– Agent of Change

Dear Idealist,

Every transaction in this world is either a mediated transaction, or one that should be. Trust me, you do not want to negotiate your next contract with the New York Yankees without a team of agents who have spent their professional lives accumulating dirt on the Steinbrenners. Even love benefits from a little help from your friends. But since the candy hearts are AWOL this year, just know that my own words are available for hire.

– Be mine, or else, Rachel