Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,
Winter’s here! No, spring is here! No wait, it’s winter again! I’m starting to regret the comfort purchases I made during one of the recent snow dumps. I’ve got enough hot chocolate to fuel the Swiss army for a decade. I realized only after buying it all that my sugar-happy childhood taste preferences have given way to the bitters of coffee and beer. I’ll never use all this hot choc. What can I do with it all?

- Cocoa no-no

Dear Swiss Mixed Up,

In college, there was this one woman in the dorm who worked part-time at a movie theater. She came home after shifts with garbage bags full of leftover popcorn. The favored prank was to seal in someone’s door with butcher paper, and fill the space with popcorn. When they opened their door – popcorn avalanche! I can’t condone pranks in print, but you know what to do.

– Secret handshake, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I can’t believe that KDUR Cover Night sold out. Again. I haven’t even seen posters for it yet, so before I knew they were on sale they were already gone. I’ve lived here 10 years, and I’ve never made it to a single cover night legitimately, though I did buy scalped tickets for Aretha Franklin. Do you think Durango residents are even the ones buying tickets? Or are they getting scooped up by some out-of-town scalper trying to turn tricks on all of us?

– Fear of Missing Out (Again)

Dear Cover Charged,

I think you are using “turn tricks” differently than its actual meaning. Then again ... I know some people who would use all their oral skills to get into the ACT for Cover Night. And I don’t mean by making an eloquent case to the bouncer. What makes you think it’s an out-of-towner hoarding all the tickets? People actually turn tricks on the street for Follies tickets, and that show requires arguably less talent than getting your David Byrne on.

– How did I get here, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My friend and I have an unfriendly wager going down for how to be a less-sucky localist. I say it’s better to shop Walmart than Amazon, because at least when I shop Walmart, I’m supporting the local people who work there. My amigo says that Amazon is better, because you’re still employing the UPS man without encouraging big-box success within city limits. How much more right am I?

– Guilty Shopper

Dear Bargain bin Laden,

This is a case where being “more right” is as valuable as asking which corpse is “less dead.” We all do it. We all shop at W****** and A*****, but we’re not proud of it,  and we try to make sure our neighbors with their Nature’s O shopping bags and their Maria’s Bookshop stickers never see our plastic bags and cardboard boxes. But sometimes, you have to venture to the dark side to get that discount bucket o’ tennis balls. And if it’s me making the choice between evils, I’ll choose the one where no one judges my pajama pants and hot chocolate mustache.

– You may also like, Rachel