Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

I generally think that technology is the worst. It divides us and isolates us. But then again, I started using DuoLingo to learn German, and I’m pretty certain this is the greatest possible utility of technology. There’s all sorts of interesting facts you could use for your advice column, too. Like, there are more Irish language learners on the app than there are Irish speakers in the world! Sehr cool, ja?

- Ich heiße deine #1 fan

Lieber Berliner,

Thank god we have personal computing devices in our pockets that can make up for all the shortcomings in our national educational system. Maybe we really can cut millions of dollars from public schools, because 34 hours on DuoLingo is the equivalent of one college semester. Except for the interpersonal skills, cultural awareness and equal access to education provided by schooling at its best. But hey, on the app, you earn gems!

- Danke sehr, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

Is everyone lactose intolerant these days? Used to be that bread and milk were the staples binding the pages of the American story. Now, no one in my own family drinks regular milk. It’s all lactose-free and almond-vanilla and even something called oat milk. Now I’m gaslighting myself and wondering if I’m insane for drinking regular ol’ Vitamin D cow juice.

- Dairy Air

Dear Milkman,

Some folks say that all the GMOs and environmental chemicals we’ve been ingesting and inhaling for generations have altered our ability to digest foods. Others say that since we are not, most of us, baby cows, we should not be drinking the lactic secretions of bovines. Me? I think people should drink whatever they choose, especially if it spares me being in the same room as their suffering bowels. So long as they don’t talk incessantly about the moral superiority of their Quaker beverage product, I’m good.

- Drink and let drink, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

I’m as ready to get rid of Trump as anyone. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready for the Democratic campaign season to start. Almost two years of this crap? And then I started hearing about the mid-30s mayor of South Bend, Ind., and I’m getting all tingly in funny places. He seems too perfect. I’ve never had feelings like this about a politician. Is it possible that I could be in love? Or is it just lust?

- Buttigieg Curious

Dear Peter Piper,

Get in line. The only box that Pete Buttigieg doesn’t check is the one that says “woman.” Otherwise, he’s literally everything we could ever want, with the added bonus that Trump won’t want to shake his hand (or anything else, for that matter) because he’s gay, smart, young, eloquent and with seven languages, is probably the man behind all of DuoLingo. He’s like a Tinder match who you’re sure is a bot except for that photo in your neighborhood pizza parlor. I’m not saying I’d marry him. I’m just saying, I’ll Netflix and binge his policy positions.

- Give Pete a chance, Rachel

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