Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My friends have started asking me if they can Venmo me money. Like, when they forget to bring cash to lunch, they say, “I’ll Venmo it to you later if you cover me.” I tell them not to worry about it, because I have no idea what they are talking about. I gather it’s a technology thing, but I’m still getting used to my flip phone, so I am a little out of the loop. How can I get my friends to revert to good ol’ dollars and beer for negotiating transactions?

– Left Holding the Bill

Dear Centsless,

Pause for a moment to be awed by the English language’s flexible ability to verb nouns. Even made-up nouns like “Venmo” can be verbed. You want your friends to cash you, they want to Venmo you, perhaps you can middle-ground it and have them PayPal you. You do email, don’t you? And then you can re-evaluate your life choices so far and decide whether you ghost on your friends, or finally swallow your pride and smartphone it.

– Word, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

How long has “American Idol” been running now? More of my life than not, I’m certain. I’ve gone this long without watching a single episode. Not. A. Single. One. Then my coworker went and pulled up a recent episode at work, and it sounded better than working, so I watched it, and now I am literally dreaming about Wade and Alejandro getting voted off the show and waking up viscerally angry and what is wrong with me and how do I make it stop?

– Idolatrous

Dear Second Commandment,

Thou shalt not give in to the temptations of reality television, even when the show is compelling in its own right and not because of dramatic music and heavy editing. Thou shalt not be consumed by low-calorie mass media programming, even when thou can really learn some things about singing and be genuinely moved by these artistic performances. And above all, thou shalt vote as many times as possible, because I worry that Madison is going to give Alejandro and Wade a run for their money.

– Stay tuned, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My mother just bought her first new laptop in 15 years. She’s making the giant leap from Windows XP to whatever the hell Windows is making now. Shoot, I was surprised to find out Microsoft was still around. Anyway, she’s suddenly realizing that things like Dropbox exist, and she’s eager to get started ... but man, trying to catch someone up on the last decade-plus of tech advancement is daunting. Any idea where to start?

– Tech Support

Dear Cousin IT,

You could not pay me enough of anything to help my parents figure out Dropbox. Wait wait wait—something exists on my computer, and in the clouds? PSSSHHHEEEWWWW. (That’s the sound of a mind being blown, by the by.) Your best bet is to book yourself a month-long cruise, and hire a neighborhood kid to handle the training for you. If they’re willing and able to take payment by Venmo, they’re qualified.

– Turned off and back on, Rachel