Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My dog never puts anything in her mouth that isn’t hers. Never has, since the day I adopted her. At least... that’s true at home. I take her to friends’ houses, and suddenly houseplants, soccer balls, small electrical appliances, all end up relocated and some simply disappear. We never see her do it, but it only happens when she’s around. Could there be another explanation? Or do I have a covert cat burglar... er, dog burglar as my ward?

– Doggone It

Dear Fetch,

Here’s one explanation: your friends are horrible about losing things and your mutt is a convenient scapedog. Here’s another explanation: you enter a fugue state outside your own home and steal small household goods to donate to the Methodist Thrift Store. Option number three: your girl has already swiped everything she can reach in your home, and love blinded you to her petty misdemeanors. Or, four: she’s trying to show you that you need better friends.

– Bad girl, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I always swear that I will not engage in ideological, political or religious debates on Facebook comment threads. No one has ever changed someone’s mind online; people just get more entrenched. But I had to recently, and even worse it was with family, over the Alabama abortion developments. Is it worth alienating my family to speak up for women’s rights, even if I don’t ever change their minds?

– Abort! Abort!

Dear Abandon Ship,

The One and Only Internet Commandment is this: Thou shalt not engage in comment threads, unless it is to say “Thank you,” “I love you,” or “Here is a picture of a puppy.” Then again, speaking up for what is right is worth breaking a few commandments. If you can speak up about women’s rights with compassion, then you’re letting the people in your life know they have your support. And if you lose some blood relatives in the process? Well, it’s just another form of family planning.

– Don’t tread on my uterus, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I like keeping old things alive. My car is the best kind of beater. The outside is nothing I’ll cry over when the paint flakes off or some dingleberry dings my fender, but the engine is so sound that it makes mechanics bless their mamas. That thing will run for another decade, but I’m running into issues like the door handles falling off and the steering wheel disintegrating. What’s your take on the age-old question about how much money to pour into this heap?

– Junker Junkie

Dear Scrap Heap,

I am a child of the Millennium Falcon. Fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy. That thing should have been retired  before it was even born, and yet it saved the day every time, so long as it was actually running. I say, keep pouring your love into that car up to the point where you feel bitter about it. That’s when you call it quits. That, or else when your dog buries it in the yard.

– Point five past light speed, Rachel