Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Yeah yeah, it’s nearly June and it’s still snowing. We get it. Why do you all have to keep talking about it, taking pictures of it, and talking about it some more? Sure, it’s pretty neat to ride the Iron Horse while stopping to take a run on your skis. That’s cool. The dusting of white atop your previous dusting of white atop your patio furniture? No one cared in the first place, and no one cares now.

- Snowdowner

Dear Edward Snowdone,

Where are you that you’re hearing all these stories and seeing all these pictures of the snow? I live a pretty normal life, and none of my friends are talking about it beyond a cursory mention. Ok, fine, I don’t live a normal life. And OK, fine, I don’t exactly have what you’d call “friends.” So maybe I’m not the authority on this subject. Or any subject, really. Why are you even writing me for advice?

– I can’t believe it’s still snowing, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I can put up with a lot of crap from roommates, but my current cohabitant has an issue with closing bags. Namely, she doesn’t. All the easy-to-reseal bags with zippers and Velcro just get left wide open. Tortillas go stale. Grapes get spilled. And you can forget about closing bags with chip clips. Closing bags has got to be the simplest way to live a civilized life, but she’s just incapable. How can I get her to take the steps to keep our food fresh?

- Zip Tied

Dear Zip Line in the Sand,

I had a roommate once who literally never washed a dish unless he was about to use it, and then he put it dirty right back in the sink. I washed his dishes for a while, then I stopped, figuring that would show him. He let the dishes pile up in the sink until they kissed the faucet, and then he put them in a box on the counter where they sat until I moved out and decided I could never trust people again. There’s probably a lesson for you in there somewhere.

– Zip it good, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have a secret. It’s a big secret. I feel like I can’t tell anyone this secret, though, even though it’s a positive secret. I guess I feel like if I  spill the beans, I’ll be jinxing it, and it’ll all fall apart. But I also want the joy of telling my friends the news and rubbing it in the faces of my enemies. I don’t know when I can share the secret, but maybe the world already knows because we live in a surveillance state. Should I tell?

– Secret Society of One

Dear Lock Box,

I hate to tell you, but as much as you think your news will rattle the world, lives will go on. Children will still be born, the sun will set, and people will continue to post videos with amazement of slushy rain falling after Memorial Day.

– Shhh, Rachel