Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Headlights have gotten too bright. It’s to the point where I can’t even see the road when there’s an oncoming car. Normally I would just flash them with my own brights (the nighttime equivalent of the middle finger), but you see, I have to leave my brights on all the time, because my car is so old that the “brights” still don’t reach the car in front of me. Flashing them would give away that I’m also a jerk leaving my brights on all the time. How else can I communicate to the other jerks on the road?

- Guiding Lights

Dear Bright Idea,

Have you ever heard that saying about casting the first stone? Oh, forget it. Here’s what I’ll tell you instead. I was recently stuck in a pile-up between Durango and Pagosa. Farther than the eye could see. And a guy behind me got out of his car with his dog and his unicycle, and they proceeded to romp around the vacant oncoming lane like this delay was the greatest gift they could have received. There’s a moral in there somewhere; be like that guy and figure it out.

– Beep beep honk honk, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

You mean to tell me that, after a winter we’ll all be telling our grandchildren about, we still have forest fires? If that amount of precipitation and snowpack isn’t enough to stop the world from burning, then are we really, truly doomed?

- Doomsday Clock

Dear Prophet,

Fires are a natural component of a forest’s life cycle. Lightning strikes, or a raccoon whacks two pieces of flint together, and boom! It’s time for a little wildland redecorating. Here’s what I’ll tell you, though: I was recently stuck in a pile-up between Durango and Pagosa. Farther than the eye could see. And a guy in front of me got out of his car and proceeded to smoke cigarettes among all the growth off the shoulder. There’s a moral in there somewhere; while you figure it out, don’t be like that guy.

– Only you, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m looking for a bit of Netflix etiquette. My supposed BFF and I started bingeing a series together. Okay, we watched the first three episodes, but still, that’s a commitment. I strung myself out all week long while she was out of town, awaiting her return to resume our show. Only to find out, she watched a season and a half in her hotel room. Without me! This is sacrilege, right? Nearly friendship-ending. Or am I, in her words, overreacting?

– Sucker Punched

Dear Live Stream,

Time for you to Netflix and chill the eff out. Unless you and your BFF have had a Netflix commitment ceremony, you have no rights to each other’s internet time. Who knows what boredom she was staving off in that hotel room. I know when I was recently stuck in a pile-up between Durango and Pagosa – far as the eye could see – I was in a dead spot and couldn’t watch anything on my phone. If I could have, no friendship pact on Earth could have stopped me.

– Next episode begins in five, Rachel