Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why do I have Beyonce? stuck in my head? I’ve never gone out of my way to listen to her. Nothing against her. Country songs are just more my swing, if you know what I mean. But all day, it’s one Beyonce? hit after another. Bang bang bang. I’m being pelted with undeniably catchy pop songs. How is this happening to me, and more importantly, what can I do to get set straight (George Strait) again?

- In the Knowled

Dear Beyonce?d,

You have the greatest living American performer – excepting Willie Nelson, of course – stuck in your head because she is the queen of what she does. Her songs define more than a generation; they define us as a people. Sadly, I don’t know what it is she does, or how it defines us as a people, because Beyonce? is my Gary Oldman. You know, the person about whom you always say, “Wait, that’s Gary Oldman, too?” I had to Google my sign-off, and yeah, I should have known that was the Queen Bey.

– Shoulda put a ring on it, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My best friend is the only person in the whole wide world that I’m OK with dropping by my house without calling first. I actually like when he does it. The thing is, for a lot of months now, he never stays more than 30 seconds. He’ll swing by to say hey, bring something from Bread, act like he’s genuinely happy to be there. Then the next thing I see is smoke from his tires. Am I reading too much into this, or is there a friendship problem here?

- Kwik-E-Friend

Dear In-n-Out Amigo,

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that the French fry grease at the bottom of the bag will always transfer itself to my pants. And if I’ve learned another thing in life, it’s that people are way, way, way too preoccupied with themselves to think all the things we think they’re thinking about us. Think you’re overthinking it here. You think?

– Me me me, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m getting mixed reports from the internet. Shocking, I know. Some people are saying that the next James Bond is a black woman. Others are saying the next 007 is a black woman. That’s not two ways of saying the same thing! If she’s 007 but not Bond, then what happened to James? And if she’s Bond, then what will happen to the James? Will she keep the name? Will she still like dry martinis and objectified caricatures of an entire gender?

– The Spy Who Confused Me

Dear Bond, Jamie Bond,

All those people who lost their composure when they heard the new little mermaid is a person of color, I wonder what they have to say about this? All I have to say is, now that I know more about Beyonce? as a person, I’m only sorry that she’s not the new Bond. Instead, she got stuck as a badly catchphrased Austin Powers girl. Wait, that was Beyonce?? You bet it was.

– Shazam, Rachel