Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My mother – who just learned what Youtube is in the last year – has started sending me videos from some show called “Impractical Jokers.” I was prepared for something completely stupid and inane. And I was right. Yet, I also cannot stop watching these clips. They feed from one into the next, and suddenly, I haven’t shaved in a week and I’m not even sure I’ve fed my cat. Help me break the cycle!

– Caught in the New Boob Tube

Dear Punked,

In the name of research, I pulled up some of these clips. And I almost didn’t make my deadline because of it. My own mother refuses to participate in pranks because she feels bad for other people. I think it’s called “empathy?” But now, this show is giving me some brilliant ideas for the next time I have to suffer through a family gathering. Even if I can’t pull off any of the pranks, I can go sit in the bathroom and watch them until it’s time to go home.

– Pull my finger, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently had to file some documents at the county courthouse. While I was in there, the chile I had for lunch caught up with me, and by the time I filed those documents (if you know what I mean), my meter had run out and I got a ticket. Now I don’t think I’m the exception to the rule ... but I feel like they should make an exception for these, um, extenuating circumstances. Any advice for my ticket appeal?

– Burne

Dear Montezuma’s Revenge,

Documentation is key. Do you have a receipt from the chile establishment, including a timestamp? A photograph of the meter when you fed it and court records demonstrating the time of your filing? Nose-witness reports of your extenuating circumstances? If you can assemble an ironclad case, you probably won’t get out of the ticket, but you’ll make someone’s day. Or, you could just ask for a warning.

– Caught with my pants down, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m completely lost on modern cell phone etiquette. It’s rare enough for someone to actually dial a number and make a phone call. But when someone does call me, they never leave a voicemail. Instead, they send a follow-up text that says “Call me.” That tells me nothing! I have no idea what kind of trap I’m walking into. You already reached my voicemail, so is it that hard to just tell me what you wanted?

- Phoning It In

Dear Voice Activated,

The real issue is that no one wants to answer the phone these days. You get a text message because the caller knows you saw the call (seriously, who doesn’t have their phone on them anymore?) and chose not to answer. The real tragedy is the death of the phone call prank. No more letting Prince Albert out of the can, or catching the refrigerator that’s running. Hours of “Impractical Jokers,” and I’ve yet to see a crank call. What’s become of us?

– Dismiss call, Rachel