Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My friend and I recently came across a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, vegan cupcake. This seemed to us like the greatest human accomplishment since maybe the moon landing. But it begs the question, what is a cupcake, anyway? If you take away the eggs and the sugar and the flour, do you still have a cupcake, or do you just have a food-like product that looks like a cupcake for those poor souls who can’t or won’t eat those things?

- Two Girls, One Cupcake

Dear Dos Chicas,

There’s an old philosophical question. If you have a boat, and over time you replace every plank on that boat with fresh wood, do you end up with the same boat? And there’s an old Rachel question: does it even matter? If it looks like a cupcake, and it tastes more or less like a cupcake, and it comes in a little paper cupcake cup, then yes, you’re thinking way too hard about this.

– Happy birthday, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So I know this is not an original complaint, but I’ve seriously had it with the pumpkin spice. It was fine in lattes while that was the only thing. And of course, products where pumpkin

belongs, like pies? A-OK. But my sister, knowing my feelings about pumpkin spice, just gave me a box of Pumpkin Spice Cheerios. If there are Pumpkin Spice Cheerios, then I think we have hit the final frontier. Will this ever end?

– Oversaturated

Dear Spice of Life,

You know where the one place is that pumpkin spice has not touched? The Spice Girls. Think about it. You had Sporty Spice (whatever that means), Baby Spice (talcum powder and warm milk?), Ginger Spice (OK, I get that one)... Pumpkin Spice would have fit right in. Fake tan, toothy smile, seasonal pop hits. If they’re still contemplating a comeback, I think they should give you a call.

– What you really really want, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently started caring for a dog, and for the first time I had to give him heartworm and flea medication. It’s this little tube of liquid that I squeeze out onto the base of his neck, covering about one inch of skin. This just feels like a sham to me. Seriously, one inch of medication is somehow going to prevent all these parasites on his entire body, inside and out? Did I just get duped, or is this legitimate?

– Ticked

Dear Dog Warden,

I grant you that dog medication does not have to go through the same rigorous FDA-approved bribing process that human medication does. But still, there are people  who have spent way more time studying animals than you have, and they say it works. I suggest you trust them. I mean, my vet gives this stuff to her own dog, and she (the vet) is not stupid. As for the miracle drug? Maybe it’s simply humankind’s greatest accomplishment since the food-free cupcake.

– Scratch my back, Rachel