Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My wife and I are having a disagreement. I won’t tell you which of us is on which side, so you can stay unbiased. Here’s the debate: When company comes to visit, are you supposed to put out a fresh new roll of toilet paper, or can you let your guests start mid-way on the roll like normal human beings? At least we both agree that the roll should unspool from the top. I mean, we’re not monsters.

- TP’d

Dear Non-monsters,

If I gave out new rolls every time I had company, I’d have a collection of two or three unfinished rolls accumulating every year. No way, Jose?. Can’t have that. You absolutely let your guests finish the roll themselves. I mean, if there’s less than a serving or two of TP left on the roll, swap it out. And whatever you and your hunny decide, provide your company easy access to replacement rolls. You don’t want to leave them high and dry (or worse, not dry).

– On a roll, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve had it with holding babies. Every friend of mine with a newborn (and lately, it seems like all my friends have newborns) thinks that I want to cradle it and coo over it. These same friends won’t let me drive their cars or trust me with feeding their cats, mind you. But they foist their 10-pound raisins on me every chance they get. How can I refuse their offer in a way they’ll actually listen to?

- It Ain’t Me, Baby

Dear Pill,

Best birth control there is, amirite? But people with new babies obviously failed at birth control. So now that they cannot socially disavow their mistake, they just want someone else to take it off their hands for five minutes, and they won’t take no for an answer. I recommend you start getting really, really clumsy. Drop whole bags of groceries. Trip over dogs. Run into door jams and crap like that. Get black eyes and start missing teeth. That ought to teach them real quick.

– Hold me baby, one more time, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My iPhone just updated without my consent. Security fixes? Please. It’s all an insidious plot to try forcing me to use new personalized emojis and Apple Pay. They took away my familiar habits! The way to use a cursor is totally different! And, my phone just informed me that it’s tracking my charging habits to improve blah blah blah it’s all Big Brother bull honky. Any advice for going back to the age of flip phones?

– Little Brother

Dear Peepee Tom,

Wow, I wrote “peepee” as the opposite of “peeper.” You know, the one who gets peeped upon by a peeping Tom. Because your phone is spying on you? But it doesn’t read like that at all. Anyway. Stop railing against technological progress. Just sit back and let others decide what’s best for you. I guarantee someone griped about toilet paper because it wasn’t oak leaves.

– All peepee hearted, Rachel