Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I distinctly remember growing up in the ’90s watching a movie called “Shazaam.” It starred Sinbad as a genie. I know tons of people who also remember watching this movie. But none of us can find it. IMDB doesn’t even acknowledge that the movie ever existed. (And no, we’re not thinking of that knock-off movie, “Kazaam,” starring Shaq.) Please, Rachel, tell me we’re not crazy. This movie was for real, right?

– Thanks, Child of the ’90s

Dear Singood,

Hate to break it to you, but I don’t re- member “Shazaam.” Sinbad himself does- n’t remember “Shazaam.” But there is apparently a whole internet community of people like you who swear by the genie’s turban that this movie existed. Maybe we’re experiencing a bleed be- tween parallel universes. Maybe Neil De- Grasse Tyson – who, remember, is a pretty smart dude – is right, and “Shazaam” is merely a glitch not yet patched in our simulation. In any case, here’s my litmus test: if eBay doesn’t have it, then it doesn’t exist in any universe.

– Show me the movie, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I sent my friend a Christmas card this year. She just sent me a card thanking me for my Christmas card. What’s the etiquette here? Do I have to send a thank-you card for her thank-you card? Where does it end?

– Vicious Cycle

Dear Mean Circle,

Do you hate the United States Postal Service? Because that’s what it sounds like. The grand ol’ USPS has caught the sharp end of the butcher knife from Congress, from emails, and from scrooges like you who balk at the 47 cents it costs to show gratitude for your friends. Forty-seven cents! You can’t buy friendships for much less than that. So I say suck it up and keep the circle of life running smooth.

– Don’t mention it, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I need some advice on Star Wars spoilers. Specifically, what’s the statute of limitations? I feel like the first weekend of showings is off- limits. After that, you’re free to say anything you like. My coworker, on the other hand, still hasn’t seen the new Star Wars, and insists on a spoiler-free work environment. He thinks that’s fair until the movie is out on DVD and Blu-Ray, even though everyone knows (spoiler alert) that the spies will beam the Death Star plans to the Rebel ship. We need you to arbitrate before I pull his arms off.

– Sincerely, Nerf Herder

Dear Scruffy Looking,

I have a bad feeling about this. But here goes: the odds are approximately 3720:1 that you are closer to right than your comrade. It’s fair to give a full week, plus an extra weekend, before yawking openly about anything spoilerish. After that, everyone who gives a womp rat’s ass has seen the new Star Wars. Anyone left over must be a glitch from our computer-programming overlords. Terminate them. Immediately.

– (Spoiler Alert) I am your father, Rachel