Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I think I could be a stand-up comic. I’m always the guy holding court at company dinners and family holidays. I mean, with Thanksgiving coming up, I’m going to kill it. I don’t even have to script jokes ahead of time. I just read a room and the jokes come pouring out. Durango seems like a small-time spot to start a career in comedy, but hey, gotta start somewhere. I wondered, could you ask your readers to submit stuff they want to hear me make fun of?

- Next Top Comic

Dear Funny Guy,

If Durango was big enough for Jack Dempsey to fight in, then it’s big enough for you to get up there and crack some funnies. In fact, here’s a great idea. Go to the Ranch – the same Ranch where Dempsey’s fight is memorialized on the wall – and try telling folks how Durango is too small and how you want to make fun of it. You may not kill it, but something’s going to die there that night.

– Heckle me Elmo, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve been in love with a woman for almost three years now. We had a short-lived romance that ended only because of “life circumstances” on her end. We’re still great friends, and I still hold out hope of rekindling that flame. Well, of course I met another woman about a month ago, and the way the world works, now my original love has decided she wants to be with me. What do I do, Rachel? Pursue new love, or seize onto my dream come true?

– When It Rains

Dear Pours,

Frig. You’re going to take the word of a smart-alecky advice columnist to make a life-changing decision? These things are so much less pressure when people want to know about waffles vs. pancakes, or how best to light flaming bags upon neighbors’ doorsteps. But, here goes: stay single, my friend. It’s really a pretty sweet gig, once you get used to it. The best part is that you never again have to make life-changing decisions about sexy-time partners.

– All the single ladies, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m from the East Coast, and I’ve just recently discovered the tradition of lighting candles inside of brown paper bags at Christmastime. Outdoors. Dozens or hundreds at a time. In a part of the world where forest fires happen, doesn’t this seem asinine? Please tell me this is just a mindless thing New Mexicans do, and it doesn’t actually happen here ... right?

– Up in Smoke

Dear Firebrand,

What, would you rather people light farolitos in a part of the world where it’s wet all the time? That wouldn’t work, Karen. You couldn’t light candles in brown paper bags when it’s raining. They’d get soggy, and the candles would go out. And that would not be pretty at all. I wish MORE people would light farolitos around here. They’re gorgeous. And if people caught their houses on fire, at least that jackass earlier would have something to laugh about.

– Light up, Rachel