Ask Rachel

Dear Rachael,

It all makes sense now. I thought you must be really ugly or something (can you say that these days?), since you’d never show us a real photo of yourself. When I realized you really are the Rachael of Central Perk come to life in the real world (is Durango the real world?), sort of like Pinocchio (in more ways than one) all the pieces fell into place. I’d never realized before that a sitcom character could actually exist in real life too ... so much to learn. So glad you‘re with us Rachael. Can I make you dinner sometime?

– Sooooo Grateful

Dear Apropos of Nothing,

There’s only one parenthetical that I can’t go to sleep until I address: I’m like Pinocchio in more ways than one? Name even just one way I’m like Pinocchio. I’m not a puppet, nor am I made of wood. Geppetto is not my master. My nose isn’t what grows when I lie. I definitely don’t dream of becoming a real boy. Sure, you can call someone ugly these days (especially if yo momma didn’t raise you right), but calling someone a fictional marionette is just low.

-– It’s Rachel, not Rachael, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m fascinated by the relative costs of things in our minds. I know people who don’t balk at dropping $12 to go see a two-hour movie, but won’t pay $15 for a paperback book. They’ll spend $7 on a latte but hate that NPR asks for pledges. $35,000 for a car, but gripe about spending $20,000 on four years of in-state college. Why can’t our brains make meaningful comparisons about worth?

-– The Price is Wrong

Dear Not Drew Carey,

What really grinds my gears is that colleges have to ask their alumni for money all the time. I understand they NEED the money, but I don’t understand why they think I should be a continued source of revenue. They already got my $20,000 and then some. I got my degree. That was the end of our agreed-upon professional relationship. What I’m saying is, I don’t give my orthodontist extra money decades after getting my braces off. Which is so not what you asked about.

-– Oh well, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It seems this question has raged for years now, and I’ve yet to hear a conclusive answer. Is “Die Hard” a Christmas movie? On the one hand, it’s set at Christmastime. On the other, it’s primarily about terrorists and Bruce Willis’ biceps. I won’t tell you which side I fall on, so as not to sway you. But whichever you say, I will now defer to your answer in perpetuity.

-– Die Hard Fan

Dear Live Hard,

You’re damn right “Die Hard” is a Christmas flick. The villain is Hans Gruber, right? And Silent Night, the most Christmasest of Christmas songs, was composed by Franz Xaver Gruber. Hans Gruber. Franz Gruber. This ain’t no coincidence. “Die Hard” is here to pump *clap* you up this holiday season. Angels aren’t getting their wings or nothing, but watching this movie sure beats talking to Geppetto and the rest of the family every year.

– Yippee-ki-yay, Rachel