Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

As if using a public restroom isn’t distasteful enough, some places require you to pick up a ridiculously oversized key fob from an employee. First of all, there’s no discretion involved here. Everyone knows the idiot with the 12-inch bottle opener is going to the john. But even worse is knowing that every other public-restroom patron has fondled the same fob, and it ain’t getting washed. What can us concerned citizens do to protect ourselves?

– Walk of Shame

Dear Scarlet Lettered,

I’ll put my butt on a crusty seat before I ever touch one of those mega keys. Someone should invent bathroom-key condoms for people like us. A prophylactic against other folks’ inevitable lack of hand-washing. Just don’t think about the employees handling that key in between foaming up cappuccinos.

– Flush once, wash twice, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

My husband often throws out his back, and I always think he’s such a big baby about it. He cries just going to the bathroom, for pete’s sake. I usually manage to point out how much worse birthing his children was for me. However, I threw out my own back last month, and it was worse than any of my three labors. I realize, unlike the stereotypical man, my hubby is actually toughing it out really well. How can I properly apologize for judging him all those years?

– Baby Got Back

Dear Back Stabber,

Karma is a bee-atch, isn’t it? If you had just zipped your lips and judged him in silence, you might have still tweaked your spine. But at least you wouldn’t have had to eat cold crow on top of it all. So yeah, you better pony up a pretty primo apology. With the men of male persuasion, sexual favors tend to do the trick. But since one or the other of you is probably laid up, you can just subscribe him to Playboy.

– If it even still exists, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

What the hell do they make those fire-starter logs out of? They’re darn handy, but they’re also unnatural. I feel like I’m dipping into the dark arts every time I use one. Sure, they get my fire raging quickly, but at what cost? There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Am I burning pieces of children’s souls? Chipping away at our existence on this planet? Or is this truly clean magic?

- Light My Fire

Dear Pyro,

Welcome to your new black magic lifestyle! As you adjust yourself to succumbing to the dark arts, be sure to take care of yourself, as the transition can be rough. You may begin to notice aging in your face, a taste for black clothing, and an additional rasp in your laugh. Trust us; these symptoms are normal, and you’ll stop caring about them as you also cease caring about other human beings. Enjoy! And please do something about those bathroom fobs for us.

– Come on baby, Rachel

Top Shelf

The Hammer of Gods, Latin grass and $13 Buds
The Hammer of Gods, Latin grass and $13 Buds
By Chris Aaland
02/20/2020

We came. We saw. But the event kicked our ass. On Saturday, Uncle Steve and I took young Otto to his first-ever NHL game, nearly 40 years after I saw my first NHL game when the L.A. Kings skated against the Colorado Rockies at McNichols Arena in Denver

Sticks N' Thorns, Tiny Universes and big teen-agers
Sticks N' Thorns, Tiny Universes and big teen-agers
By Chris Aaland
02/13/2020

The Broke Mountain Bluegrass Band was a cultural explosion that took the San Juan Mountains by storm in the mid-2000s and forever changed the landscape and history of newgrass music in our state.

Montana bluegrass, Kansas City blues and sexual repression
Montana bluegrass, Kansas City blues and sexual repression
By Chris Aaland
02/06/2020

My, what a repressive time we live in. The uproar over the outfits that Jennifer Lopez and Shakira wore during the Super Bowl halftime show, not to mention their provocative dancing – with poles, no less! – should be viewed as comical, if it weren’t so sad.

Outhouse stuffing, oyster slurping & pantsless dancing
Outhouse stuffing, oyster slurping & pantsless dancing
By Chris Aaland
01/30/2020

Rejoice, good people. A Rockin’ Snowdown is upon us! Consider this an expert’s guide to a most excellent Snowdown experience.

Read All in Top Shelf

Day in the Life

Gone but not forgotten
Gone but not forgotten
02/20/2020

Strolling the sidewalks of downtown Main Avenue, longtime locals can’t help but reminisce about a few businesses that have etched their names in Durango’s storefront history. 

Scratching the surface
Scratching the surface
By Stephen Eginoire
02/13/2020

Hidden below southeastern New Mexico's Chihuahuan Desert is one of the world's most extensive subterranean landscapes, Lechuguilla Cave.

Chasing waterfalls
Chasing waterfalls
By Stephen Eginoire
02/06/2020
Set in Stone
Set in Stone
By Stephen Eginoire
01/30/2020

Located along the meandering Animas River, New Mexico’s Aztec Ruins National Monument offers visitors a glimpse of Indigenous human history 1,000 years past.

Read All in Day on the Life