Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have been hearing a lot lately on the television that nobody is above The Law. Then how come cops can speed and we can’t? I mean if he has his flashing lights on, that’s one thing, but how about the guy racing home in the cop car for that lunchtime quickie that he has been sexting about all morning? How about the guy whose shift ended five minutes ago, and he is afraid he will be late for happy hour if he doesn’t step on the gas? ... and they tell me to slow down!!! If I had flashing lights on the roof of my car, I’d be pulling over those speeding cops! And btw, if a cop with his flashing lights on meets a school bus with its flashers going, who wins?

– Mustang Sally

Dear Long Tall,

What a New Year’s gift. I’d forgotten about your letter, sent before the Telegraph went on holiday hiatus just long enough to prove that one week off feels like zero weeks off. And when I fired up the ol’ vintage laptop to cull through both of the Christmas letters I got, I remembered how you saved me a significant portion of my first weekly word count for 2020. How can I ever repay you?

– It’s nothing, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

If you plant a peach pit from a dwarf peach tree, will it grow another dwarf tree? Will it grow a full-size tree instead? Will it even be a peach, or could it be some strange peach/apple hybrid? Or can you even grow a peach tree from a peach pit, or should my wife just go buy a sapling from the plant store so she knows for certain what she’s growing and that it will never tangle with the power lines overhead?

- Peachy Keen

Dear Tutti Frutti,

I’m most concerned by the question of whether peach trees come from peach pits. I’m wondering if we need to have a little lesson about the birds and the bees – which, hey, I’ve always wondered where that phrase came from, but they are probably the things that facilitate tree sex, so it all makes sense now! Thank you for illuminating me. And let your wife plant whatever she pleases, if you hope to sow her row ever again.

– Shake my tree, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What is an auld lang syne, anyway?

- Auld Acquaintance

Dear Be Forgot,

Wasn’t I just talking about word counts? You are proof positive that karma levels all playing fields. An auld lang syne is a showdown between a cop car with its flashers on and a school bus with its blinking stop sign extended. I choose to believe the cops driving the car would weigh their options. If they’re speeding to save a busload of kids, then running over one or two on the way is probably worth it. If, however, they’re simply rushing home for a lunchtime quickie, then running over children is not worth it – unless the quickie will result in more children than are crossing the street. It’s arithmetic, dear Watson. Simple arithmetic.

– A cup o’ kindness, Rachel