Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I came to the realization over the holidays that not only do I not actually like my family, but that I don’t want them to know anything about me. Once the family hits the pub after Christmas, all the questions come out. Can I explain my relationship status again? Do I even want kids? What’s so bad about Trump anyway? I’m deciding that they don’t need to know anything about me at all, and I just need a simple diverting statement to deflect them. Any ideas?

– Silent Bob

Dear Deflector Shield,

I had a friend back in the days of yore who would find a great moment to interrupt chatterboxes, and then he’d say, solemnly and laconically, “The war killed my grandfather as a child.” This took the air right out of everyone’s balloon and ended most every unwanted conversation. And the very few who picked up the thread that wait, if his grandfather was a child when he died... Those became much more interesting conversations. Now presumably your fam knows your grandpa, but hey, just run with it.

– Sad trombone, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why do some tea bags come without strings? I can’t bob them in my mug. I can’t pull them out without burning my fingertips until my tea is lukewarm and oversteeped. And I have nothing to do with my hands but hold the mug. I’m guessing this is a so-called “eco-friendly” step to reduce waste, but I end up using more spoons to fish out tea bags, and then I have to wash them, which uses more water. So what’s the deal here?

– Tea Totaled

Dear Teabagged,

I’d rather have no tea tag at all than read one more of those milquetoast inspirational lines that’s meant to perk up my spirit but ends up making me irrationally angry. I don’t need reminded that the best moments are often the quietest, or that a smile is a lighthouse to a friend in need. Someone gets paid to write those, you know. Or maybe they are spit out by an automated tea-bag quote-writing application. That might actually make me feel less like sticking my whole hand in a boiling cuppa.

– Bag the tag, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I remember when Y2K happened that you had those sticklers walking around talking about how the next millennium didn’t technically start until 2001 because of reasons. Where are those people now that we’re allegedly in a new decade? No one in my sphere is spouting off. I’m inclined to pick up the slack, because I can’t shake those millennialist arguments, and worst of all, THEY WERE RIGHT, and this decade doesn’t actually start until next year.

– Jumped the Gun

Dear Roaring Tweenies,

I’m reminded of how everyone calls bison “buffalo,” even though they’re not technically buffalo, yet still everyone knows exactly what you mean. Sticklers get their heads stuck in toilets. Do you want your head stuck in a toilet? But actually, correcting how we refer to decades may be a great way to get Silent Bob’s family up there to stop talking to him.

– Thanks for the tip, Rachel